The truth. He wants Silco paranoid, winding in his mind around and around with these little phrases and promises. That Jinx was trying to save him, that he was still around, while Silco rotted in what he assumed was the Pilt. That he was going to be saved, because of Jinx. Because Jinx cared enough about him to save him, while in the end...
In the end...
There's something called despondency.
That little black hole inside of him, that he fight so hard to stay out of. It's why he's so angry, it's why he returns to the river, over and over again. There is no river here. There's nothing to bring out that anger. It's sitting to the side, always there, and if he just turns his head, he'll see it for what it is. That maw, ready to suck all of it in. Just like before, before he'd found purpose and drive. It doesn't hurt in the same way, this time around. Before, he'd almost been mad with pain and fear and so much anger that he'd kept it at bay until he'd found Singed, and a solution and promise all in one, all in shimmer. He'd so desperately fought for that, clawed for it. It gave him purpose, and he didn't have to look that thing in the eye, that well that wanted to suck him in and leave him ground into dust from the pain of it all. The loss. The grief. Of being alone.
Sevika is gone. Jinx is β he knows something is up. She'd moved too quickly in the diner. Zaun is a world away, continuing without him. Finding itself right back into the clutches of Piltover. Supposedly a seat at the table, but he knows how they think. It will be nothing in the end. Everything he'd done. Every sacrifice, every cut to him, to Zaun, every dead body in the ditch from overdose, and every person who gave their savings and satisfied their high instead of food on the table... It had meant Nothing.
It had always been a lonely existence at the top. He understood that. Accepted it.
Had it needed to be like this? He couldn't trust anyone. How could he? Vander had been right. He'd taken something away from Silco that he could never get back, there was no hope for that. It would never be that. He was broken, and the pieces had never quite been put back together right. Like a jagged little pot with sharp edges facing to cut anyone who tried to get close. He and Jinx had always been that, knowing exactly how to settle next to one another, cutting, but they had cut just right, and accepted it. He'd picked her up, and help put her back together. Just like him.
They were the same, weren't they? But were they? He can see it, the shape of her. There's less of the mania, less of the wild madness. She wasn't losing herself to it. Was she better?
An insidious part of himself knows the answer. That paranoid little part that whispers in his ear, Vander's words are fuel for it. That he's right. That she's outgrown him. That she has a chance to have her real father back. The second one he'd taken away from her. She's his daughter; as much as she is Silco's.
He can't accept that. How could he? She's his everything, his world. Vander's right about that. He would do anything for her, burn a world down if it came to it, give up Zaun so readily. He was willing to. If he couldn't find away, he would have sent her away before he allowed harm to come to her. Made her leave, even if that little part of him, that wide maw he can't look at, can't acknowledge aches to think about it.
If he acknowledges it, if he even looks at it, he doesn't think he can escape it.
No, he knows he won't.
He has to stay angry, to force it behind him, but it's always there, creeping up around the edges, threatening to make itself manifest, threatening to swallow him whole, if he just relaxes for one single moment.
He has to stay angry.
It's the only thing he has. He knows Vander's preying on that. He knows his weakness now. He can't allow him to see any others. He doesn't dare. ]
Of course you will. Ever the affable, ever the one there to offer a little drink and a hug, and tell them everything will be alright. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? To be the one everyone looks for, when things get hard.
I'm sure you will, if the opportunity comes.
And when the time comes, and you break her too. Because that's what you do, to the inconveniences, isn't it, Vander? Jinx and I, we are the same. That's something you can't take from us, no matter what you try. I know you want to. It must incense you to see that.
I know you won't intend to, you'll think you're in the right, when you do it. That it will be precisely what needs to be done. Jinx needs something you can't give her. She's not who you expect. She's perfect, and it's only a shame nobody was willing to see that, until it was too late.
So go ahead. Capitalize on whatever imaginary bridge-burning you think will happen. I am sure you will try. At least you haven't forgotten what it is to be a Zaunite, to seize an opportunity when it comes.
But know this: it won't last. I don't think I have to explain to you what will happen. [ If you take her away from me ]
Text ; this is a fucking texting thread im fighting for my life over here
The truth. He wants Silco paranoid, winding in his mind around and around with these little phrases and promises. That Jinx was trying to save him, that he was still around, while Silco rotted in what he assumed was the Pilt. That he was going to be saved, because of Jinx. Because Jinx cared enough about him to save him, while in the end...
In the end...
There's something called despondency.
That little black hole inside of him, that he fight so hard to stay out of. It's why he's so angry, it's why he returns to the river, over and over again. There is no river here. There's nothing to bring out that anger. It's sitting to the side, always there, and if he just turns his head, he'll see it for what it is. That maw, ready to suck all of it in. Just like before, before he'd found purpose and drive. It doesn't hurt in the same way, this time around. Before, he'd almost been mad with pain and fear and so much anger that he'd kept it at bay until he'd found Singed, and a solution and promise all in one, all in shimmer. He'd so desperately fought for that, clawed for it. It gave him purpose, and he didn't have to look that thing in the eye, that well that wanted to suck him in and leave him ground into dust from the pain of it all. The loss. The grief. Of being alone.
Sevika is gone. Jinx is β he knows something is up. She'd moved too quickly in the diner. Zaun is a world away, continuing without him. Finding itself right back into the clutches of Piltover. Supposedly a seat at the table, but he knows how they think. It will be nothing in the end. Everything he'd done. Every sacrifice, every cut to him, to Zaun, every dead body in the ditch from overdose, and every person who gave their savings and satisfied their high instead of food on the table... It had meant Nothing.
It had always been a lonely existence at the top. He understood that. Accepted it.
Had it needed to be like this? He couldn't trust anyone. How could he? Vander had been right. He'd taken something away from Silco that he could never get back, there was no hope for that. It would never be that. He was broken, and the pieces had never quite been put back together right. Like a jagged little pot with sharp edges facing to cut anyone who tried to get close. He and Jinx had always been that, knowing exactly how to settle next to one another, cutting, but they had cut just right, and accepted it. He'd picked her up, and help put her back together. Just like him.
They were the same, weren't they? But were they? He can see it, the shape of her. There's less of the mania, less of the wild madness. She wasn't losing herself to it. Was she better?
An insidious part of himself knows the answer. That paranoid little part that whispers in his ear, Vander's words are fuel for it. That he's right. That she's outgrown him. That she has a chance to have her real father back. The second one he'd taken away from her. She's his daughter; as much as she is Silco's.
He can't accept that. How could he? She's his everything, his world. Vander's right about that. He would do anything for her, burn a world down if it came to it, give up Zaun so readily. He was willing to. If he couldn't find away, he would have sent her away before he allowed harm to come to her. Made her leave, even if that little part of him, that wide maw he can't look at, can't acknowledge aches to think about it.
If he acknowledges it, if he even looks at it, he doesn't think he can escape it.
No, he knows he won't.
He has to stay angry, to force it behind him, but it's always there, creeping up around the edges, threatening to make itself manifest, threatening to swallow him whole, if he just relaxes for one single moment.
He has to stay angry.
It's the only thing he has. He knows Vander's preying on that. He knows his weakness now. He can't allow him to see any others. He doesn't dare. ]
Of course you will. Ever the affable, ever the one there to offer a little drink and a hug, and tell them everything will be alright. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? To be the one everyone looks for, when things get hard.
I'm sure you will, if the opportunity comes.
And when the time comes, and you break her too. Because that's what you do, to the inconveniences, isn't it, Vander? Jinx and I, we are the same. That's something you can't take from us, no matter what you try. I know you want to. It must incense you to see that.
I know you won't intend to, you'll think you're in the right, when you do it. That it will be precisely what needs to be done. Jinx needs something you can't give her. She's not who you expect. She's perfect, and it's only a shame nobody was willing to see that, until it was too late.
So go ahead. Capitalize on whatever imaginary bridge-burning you think will happen. I am sure you will try. At least you haven't forgotten what it is to be a Zaunite, to seize an opportunity when it comes.
But know this: it won't last. I don't think I have to explain to you what will happen. [ If you take her away from me ]