cantilevers | Inbox (Etraya)

They clearly did if you're here shouting over text at me. Speaking of games, did you sell or just donate my body to the doctor? Did he let you watch when you were having a bad day?

From what I've read, that requires all capital letters.

[ See? He's hip with the kids! ]

What are you talking about? When I came back it was gone. Some onlookers likely felt you deserved some sort of sendoff.

[ And then, purposefully, because he knows it will hurt: ]

Once you were dead, what did I care what happened?

You've never needed capitals or punctuation for me to know when you're furious.

[It was good to know two could play this game. Nothing ever changed.]

True. Profits with 'medical' drugs and saving Jinx was all that you ever cared about. Glad he never paraded me out when you were still alive then. After all once you were dead, what would I care what happened?

I always use punctuation. That's hardly different.

[ All he ever ——

Of all the —— ]

Is that what you like to tell yourself, Vander? To justify all of it? That there was nothing I ever truly cared about?

How convenient for you. A tidy little story to justify every little crime you committed. After all, why would it matter if you killed me, it wasn't like there was anything I was working toward. It wasn't as if the sons and daughters of Zaun had someone willing to fight relentlessly for them.

Did it make you feel better, to be the only one mourning in the end? After all, I hardly had the opportunity, did I?

Of course, it's easy when it was clear I was always lying about what happened in the past. It's easy to hear what happened after and think that it was all simply greed. After all, nothing else could have forced our hands. The violence turned on us was nothing compared to what we could do to ourselves, is that it? That making something that can set us free, breathing even a gasp of that fresh air isn't worth it, because clearly the people working tirelessly do not care?

Do you want me to tell you that you're right? That I don't? Not about anything? It took you to teach me that sort of folly, didn't it? I don't, because that's hardly what Zaun needed. What Zaun needed was the sort of hand that could reign her in, and teach her to move forward. To let the past die, and become what she was always meant to be. Zaun didn't need someone to care. They had that already, and "Care" made her suffer. Do you want me to simply admit that all I've done is what is necessary? After all, I don't have the capability anymore, do I? I already know what it will lead to, after all.

That lesson was very thoroughly enshrined. You should be proud of yourself, Vander. You couldn't do it yourself, but you could make the monster necessary, instead.

I did spend a long time justifying my actions back then, saying it was for the greater good, that you deserved what I did, but there was blood on both of our hands. Back then, we lost sight of what we had because we were so focused on what we wanted. You won't believe me, but I regret what I did to you. I still regret what I did to you; more than the scar on your face, I took something from you that you've never been able to have again and that's... unforgivable. You made it clear that your goal was monsters to scare Piltover with. That's what you've wanted for a long time: to make other people afraid. One thing you forget: they were always afraid of us. Our better opportunity was to make them less afraid of us, but that could never be your tactic, so you sacrifice who we were, twisted us up, and yeah made us strong but at what cost? Zaun needed someone to fight, but not someone to rip out her parts at the same time.

You got your monster, Silco. That's the lesson at the cannery you wanted to teach me, and now I see how you pounded that lesson into whatever was left for years to come. Your doctor did exactly what you asked of him. I'm sure you even came up with a little name for me: Wrath of Zaun or something you could lean into your monster wishes. Ask our daughter about how I became everything you ever wanted if you don't know or don't remember. Piltover would have been terrified, just as you dreamed.

It's easy to blame me, isn't it? After all, aren't I that little inconvenient thing that you wanted to pretend was bad enough to be erased from existence? Even I didn't have the audacity to do that.

[ Well, isn't that something — ]

Whatever he did, it wasn't under my orders. I told you before, I didn't know what happened to your body. Your inability to believe me doesn't change the fact.

But go ahead. Spin your little tale. I'm sure it's a comfort to know I was just as terrible as you wanted me to be. It feels deserved then, doesn't it?

That looking glass must be real filthy for you not to see your own reflection in those words, Silco. Can we just admit to each other that we did shit things to one another over the years? And we'll continue to do those shit things because the hurt has gone so deep its festered? Let's do that and call it a day.

[Vander knew Silco actually had little benefit in lying. It made his deep hurt and anger and confusion easier to manage if he had a target for it. However, this would inflict more pain upon him, a fact that Silco would relish with the truth.

So. There was truth in the denial.]

Thanks to your doctor, I outlived you in some capacity. Maybe you'll meet the new me someday with the way this place comprises its missions.

Oh, you want me to admit to my crimes? That I was willing to kill you in the name of our dream when you lost your mettle? Certainly. Here is the difference between me and you. I do not feel "guilt" for what I did. I do not regret it. Why would I, when the truth was all so clear?

[ They would hurt each other. Over, and over again, wouldn't they? That's all that could exist between them, after all, wasn't that right? That twisted, knotted, rotted thing. Silco wanted to keep hurting him. Maybe it's because it feels right, maybe it's because it feels good. It feels good to hurt, maybe it feels good to find at least some way to interact again — but he would never admit it.

So he swipes back, to hurt just as much. ]

Perhaps I will. I wouldn't mind admiring the good doctor's work. It's a shame he kept it from me, but perhaps that is something to discuss with him, if he ever arrives.

After all, if he was going to do something with your remains, I'm sure it was a sight to behold. Was there even anything left of you, I wonder? You were dead, after all. No matter whether he revived you or not.

I wonder if you understood it. What had been done to you. I wonder if you hated being that thing. A monster.

Of course you don't regret it. Any sacrifice is worth the cost of Zaun, isn't it? All the sacrifices except one. It is a comfort to me to know that you hit the same end of the tether as I did back then. Don't regret me. What we have is too broken to be repaired.

[He couldn't see a path that they could walk that would end with either of them finding any point back to even civility. Perhaps they were only capable of hurting each other from now on. In that case, they should stop talking to one another, avoid each other completely.

They wouldn't. Vander wouldn't, and neither would Silco. That was the only truth either of them would probably accept.]

Apparently enough left to build off of at least. To build a monster. And apparently enough to remember some things, if Jinx is apparently hellbent on getting me out of it. Maybe if I become it, you'll know the answer to those ponderings of yours.

Who said anything about regret, Vander? I don't regret a moment of tearing you down.

[ Does he regret before? It's more complicated. He hates it. He needs it as fuel. What else is there, if not his hatred and anger, and his need for revenge? What would he have to motivate him? Zaun? Yes, of course, always that, but he needed the rest of it. Would he burn so hot and so bright if it weren't for that unquenched fire down at the bottom of the ocean, like lava seeping down in the depths?

He couldn't allow it to cool. Wouldn't. Not for anything.

It's why he reached out to fight. He couldn't stand the thought of getting a handle on this place without him to stop him. He'd come for him, eventually, wouldn't he?

He cuts back, though, doesn't he? Silco feels that fury, simmering underneath his skin. Jinx wanting to bring him back, get him out of it? She'd —

No, no. That's a lie. He has to be lying. Jinx looking to replace him, so readily? So easily? No. ]

Nice try. Anything to try and drive that wedge in, hm? I shouldn't be surprised, it must be so insulting to you that we're so close.

Maybe you should try a little harder, or come up with a better story.

No, I doubt that you do. I bet you relive that moment over and over in your head because it's one of the few recent points of joy in our relationship for you.

[He was willing to accept that as truth because of how much bad blood was between them. Or at least partially willing. He had seen and remembered the way that Silco had tried to appeal to their dream, to encourage him to come alongside with the Shimmer. It was only when he refused that it was clear that they had nothing more to say or do to one another but cause pain.

His acceptance was the only reason that he didn't march down to wherever Silco was hiding and punch the other man in the face. In fact, he had been extremely sedated when it came to hurting Silco physically, even if he did use his size and ability to take up space as an intimidation tool. Old habits and all.

Vander does actually laugh as he read the next part. Silco and his staunch stubborn paranoia.]

No, you're dead when she found me like that. She calls me dad and everything. Her and Vi still see me as their father even after what I've been turned into. And no, it's not insulting. I'm content knowing you two are close, that you have each other. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of that. That's what makes me the better man.

It's the only one, watching you die like the dog you are.

[ Pointed. Was there anything else left? Especially after being reminded thanks to Aphaia's little machines, it's all sour. Corrupted.

Rotted.

He's so angry, he can barely see straight. Vander hit him where it hurts, it's obvious. He wants to find a knife and remind him of it again, that one point of joy. Maybe if he killed him, he'd be able to remind Jinx about what kind of man Vander really was.

Were his lessons not enough? Had he not taught her well? Had she not understood? Had he not explained it well enough? What kind of a man he was? What he had done?

No, she understood.

Was it that she didn't care?

No, no. He's trying to do it. Driving that little wedge deeper, trying to do what he thought was right. Because this way he could get what he wanted. Silco sees how he gloats about it, seemingly neutral, a good, proud father.

Oh, but Silco sees it. He is not the fool. He knows better. ]

How kind of you, and yet you still try to gloat about such things.

Do you think me a fool? I see what you're doing. It won't work. No matter how much you try.

Besides, are you really the better man, when I've done nothing to intervene between you two? I've barely said a word to her about you two. Perhaps you should consider the fact that I've been practically magnanimous.

Isn't it telling, that you're trying to do this to me, specifically? Instead of towards her.

Try manipulating information to the one who isn't able to put the picture together, next time. You might have better luck. A little free lesson, just for you. Perhaps it will help.

Edited 2025-04-14 01:40 (UTC)

Yeah, watching you nearly piss your pants when I was on shimmer was a the only real joy of that moment for me too. When I close my eyes at night, I still smile about it.

[Now he knew his temper was rising, and he knew he was letting Silco provoke him. He knew that he should stop this and walk away, but there was something at the way that the other man battered at him in text that made him wonder something.

Why? Why now? Silco had free-access to this inbox and had only just now come. Was it the Kirk thing? Was it something else? Silco always had a reason for lashing out, and the other man knew exactly how to push many of his buttons.

And yeah, he was lashing out too. He was battering right back because he was hurt and angry and frightened about that monster, of seeing that he was going to exist in this experimented state that could tear people apart. It was like being back on the bridge in his fury and grief and wishing to die there with Felicia and... Silco. To just die full of bullets after inflicting pain on their oppressors one last time.

As the beast, he couldn't die. The damage inflicted by Vi hadn't even slowed him for long. Seconds. What if after that memory he killed them? Jinx had seemed so confident he could be saved. Even in death, he couldn't stay that way.]

It won't work, will it? It sounds like it's working if you're still storming over there. You've done nothing, hmm? Yeah, I've seen how much nothing you're willing to do. Remember how she said we couldn't stab each other? Yeah, me too, so we applied our cigarettes to each other instead. Rule of the letter, isn't it? You go to the line but not over, not with her. You can't risk losing her. She's your most important person, your world. I see the way you look at her, Silco. I see that you have nothing but Jinx in this place, so no, I will never stand in the way of you and her. I think that's a bridge you'll burn all on your own. And that's when I'll intervene.

[Try to talk Jinx back around went unspoken. He didn't want their relationship to fall apart. Silco, in all his paranoia, would probably read the last comment as a threat to steal Jinx. He wouldn't dissuade the man of the notion.]

[ There it is.

The truth. He wants Silco paranoid, winding in his mind around and around with these little phrases and promises. That Jinx was trying to save him, that he was still around, while Silco rotted in what he assumed was the Pilt. That he was going to be saved, because of Jinx. Because Jinx cared enough about him to save him, while in the end...

In the end...

There's something called despondency.

That little black hole inside of him, that he fight so hard to stay out of. It's why he's so angry, it's why he returns to the river, over and over again. There is no river here. There's nothing to bring out that anger. It's sitting to the side, always there, and if he just turns his head, he'll see it for what it is. That maw, ready to suck all of it in. Just like before, before he'd found purpose and drive. It doesn't hurt in the same way, this time around. Before, he'd almost been mad with pain and fear and so much anger that he'd kept it at bay until he'd found Singed, and a solution and promise all in one, all in shimmer. He'd so desperately fought for that, clawed for it. It gave him purpose, and he didn't have to look that thing in the eye, that well that wanted to suck him in and leave him ground into dust from the pain of it all. The loss. The grief. Of being alone.

Sevika is gone. Jinx is — he knows something is up. She'd moved too quickly in the diner. Zaun is a world away, continuing without him. Finding itself right back into the clutches of Piltover. Supposedly a seat at the table, but he knows how they think. It will be nothing in the end. Everything he'd done. Every sacrifice, every cut to him, to Zaun, every dead body in the ditch from overdose, and every person who gave their savings and satisfied their high instead of food on the table... It had meant Nothing.

It had always been a lonely existence at the top. He understood that. Accepted it.

Had it needed to be like this? He couldn't trust anyone. How could he? Vander had been right. He'd taken something away from Silco that he could never get back, there was no hope for that. It would never be that. He was broken, and the pieces had never quite been put back together right. Like a jagged little pot with sharp edges facing to cut anyone who tried to get close. He and Jinx had always been that, knowing exactly how to settle next to one another, cutting, but they had cut just right, and accepted it. He'd picked her up, and help put her back together. Just like him.

They were the same, weren't they? But were they? He can see it, the shape of her. There's less of the mania, less of the wild madness. She wasn't losing herself to it. Was she better?

An insidious part of himself knows the answer. That paranoid little part that whispers in his ear, Vander's words are fuel for it. That he's right. That she's outgrown him. That she has a chance to have her real father back. The second one he'd taken away from her. She's his daughter; as much as she is Silco's.

He can't accept that. How could he? She's his everything, his world. Vander's right about that. He would do anything for her, burn a world down if it came to it, give up Zaun so readily. He was willing to. If he couldn't find away, he would have sent her away before he allowed harm to come to her. Made her leave, even if that little part of him, that wide maw he can't look at, can't acknowledge aches to think about it.

If he acknowledges it, if he even looks at it, he doesn't think he can escape it.

No, he knows he won't.

He has to stay angry, to force it behind him, but it's always there, creeping up around the edges, threatening to make itself manifest, threatening to swallow him whole, if he just relaxes for one single moment.

He has to stay angry.

It's the only thing he has. He knows Vander's preying on that. He knows his weakness now. He can't allow him to see any others. He doesn't dare. ]

Of course you will. Ever the affable, ever the one there to offer a little drink and a hug, and tell them everything will be alright. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? To be the one everyone looks for, when things get hard.

I'm sure you will, if the opportunity comes.

And when the time comes, and you break her too. Because that's what you do, to the inconveniences, isn't it, Vander? Jinx and I, we are the same. That's something you can't take from us, no matter what you try. I know you want to. It must incense you to see that.

I know you won't intend to, you'll think you're in the right, when you do it. That it will be precisely what needs to be done. Jinx needs something you can't give her. She's not who you expect. She's perfect, and it's only a shame nobody was willing to see that, until it was too late.

So go ahead. Capitalize on whatever imaginary bridge-burning you think will happen. I am sure you will try. At least you haven't forgotten what it is to be a Zaunite, to seize an opportunity when it comes.

But know this: it won't last. I don't think I have to explain to you what will happen. [ If you take her away from me ]

[Vander stared at the screen and waited, knowing that there about to be a wall of furious words thrown his way. With the way that they were accosting each other verbally, it made for this whole sitting in his apartment alone worthwhile. The couch was fine, but there was a nearly oppressive silence that marked his isolation here.

And he waited.

And waited.

He shifted on the couch and for a moment, he wondered if Silco had let him half the last word for once. No, no that would never happen. In all of their arguments, differences of opinion or even all the stupid shit they managed to get up to, it had always been him who had to either relent or he had to shut Silco up in a different way and even then, sometimes the other man would still argue and bitch and moan.

Suddenly the text came through his earpiece, and he closed his eyes as an odd sense of relief slid through him. He read the contents once then a second time, picking out the paranoia in those words. Despite assurances that he had no interest in breaking Silco and Jinx up, he would never be believed because why would he? What a maddening little man, made worse by years of abuse, oppression and then... that betrayal.

He'd never forgiven himself. It wasn't about him, was it? That's how he justified it in his head. He'd apologized, but even then he justified it. Blood on both of their hands. He'd deserved it. They'd let her down...

Vander stared at the words again, but in his mind's eye he could only see those seconds where it all fell apart on the bridge. His gauntlets strapped on, Silco slipping in behind his bulk as they pushed forward at the explosions and gunfire escalated. A bullet passed so close, but he wasn't looking back, didn't know it struck Connoll through the left eye and killed him. Not until Felicia screamed out her husband's name. That's when he turned, when Silco also turned like they were one person and in that moment, the next bullet pass through the space where his bulk had just been moments before. The bullet meant for him struck her in the chest, and she went down with nothing more than a gasp. He stared then Silco shoved him, forcing him into motion, leaving the shock and welling grief for another time...

He'd never asked Silco to forgive him. It's been about his grief, his feelings, his actions. They had always brought out the best and the worst in each other.]

I tried to make things alright for them, so they had one less thing to worry about. I tried not to turn away from them because I was the reason they didn't have their parents anymore. If I hadn't turned. If I hadn't looked back, sometimes I imagine it would be different.

[He didn't say her name. They didn't talk about her anymore. It was too painful. He thought Silco would know.]

I'm sorry. I've never ever actually asked for your forgiveness for that day, for losing control. I know you never will, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I never wanted you to be alone, but I know what I did put you in that position and even now, you're still alone even when surrounding yourself with people. You've always been like that, but... it wasn't like that when we had each other's back. I expect that's how you are with Jinx. It doesn't feel alone when you're with her, does it? I promise you that I won't take that from you. I have no intention of taking her from you, but I will have a relationship with her. We both can have that with her in our own ways. I suppose I'm happy you have that person who can pull you out of your own head sometimes. And if you are lonely and she's out doing... whatever it is she does, send me a location address and I'll let you show me how badly you still punch, Slugger.

[ He'd never give it, it's true. Why should he? He'd thought he could get over it, but then he'd done the unthinkable. He'd started cavorting with them, and no matter how much he excuses it as the children, as giving them a safe place, Silco knew that would be as fleeting as anything. The enforcers had come for Violet. He'd already lost that point, even if he'd intended to take her place. He knew what they were there for. He knew who'd done it.

Because those two were Zaunites, through and through.

But none of them would be worth fighting for. Only for protecting. No causes. Only shielding.

None of it had been worth standing for. It nauseated him even now, left him feeling empty and broken, and trying to hold it up, but nothing else had worked. Nothing else. They'd tried the peaceful way. They'd tried to convince them. Hell, even Vander's way was a way — ineffective by nature according to Silco — and none of it worked. None of it. It was never going to work. They'd never let them go.

He knew that now. In the end, they would never get to see it. He wouldn't. Vander wouldn't. Not even Jinx, or Sevika. They would always be intertwined. They would always be at the mercy of Piltover. How long, until someone did something? How long until the council seat was revoked because of another outlandish Zaunite. How long until another riot happened, hidden industry, or more people died in another fissure, and the kettle boiled over? Would they be back to the beginning? How long until the little progress they had inched toward was over with?

It was gone. And Vander was still trying to do this Thing he did. Was it his own guilt he was trying to alleviate? Trying to apologize, seek forgiveness? For something Silco couldn't accept? What he'd done to him, it changed him. He was a different man now. He always would be. It was fine. He lived with the consequences, and became the man Zaun needed him to be.

He still fell short.

He understood that, now. He should have never allowed that child to lunge at him in the rain. He couldn't forgive himself for falling short. For Zaun.

He could never admit it. Not out loud, not to himself, but he hated it. He hated the fact that it had fallen apart for him too. Every single one of them. There would be no nation of Zaun. No dream realized. No nothing. Just topside, yet again.

And it made him angry, and sick, and furious, and he almost does lash out at him again.

But he doesn't. He won't give him the satisfaction of that. He won't let him know how much he hates it. All of it. He wants to writhe and fight and put an end to it all, if just because it would never be right. It would never happen. Just trying to fight the tide, and like all things.

They were just swept away.

So he doesn't respond to most of this. It isn't worth responding. He has no way to respond. ]

I don't really care what you'll promise. And I'm not giving you any indication of where to go. I know you fight plenty dirty, and I'm not keen on experiencing that again.

Go find someone else to punch, if you're having trouble burning off the excess of steam. I'd have thought you had plenty of opportunity by now, but what do I know?

[ In case you think silence means he didn't see shit, don't worry. He did. ]

[Vander wasn't at all surprised that Silco acknowledged nothing of what he had typed out. He knew it would be read and mulled over, and perhaps that was enough at this point. The olive branch was pointless when it came to Silco as the man was so hellbent on never forgiving any and every slight against him that it was basically part of the other man's identity.

However, he did suspect that underneath all the cutting bluster that Silco still harboured parts that Vander had grown up with, developed and honed as they grew and became adults. That whole 'becoming what they fear' schtick was a front, but it was a good one he would admit. He could admire the tenacity, even if it continually aggravated him.

This conversation was just them railing at each other. It was trying to unearth the pressure points so that they could apply hurt to one another. Another day, another unhealthy lashing between them. He wondered if they would ever grow tired of it.

Probably not.

So here they were.]

Life in Zaun is about fighting dirty. You fight just the same, so it isn't a surprise about my own style. And no problem them. I won't make any promises to you any longer; I wouldn't care to waste my finger mobility typing it out. I've got a bag in my room which I work over daily. Energy isn't my issue. [It's time.] Oh yeah, meeting lots of people, chatting them up, enjoying their company. I could introduce you to some of them if you're feeling social.

I know what your promises are worth. You should hardly bother with such worthless things.

[ Good, let's get away from that and back to what's important: verbally sparring and fighting because that's how you ignore the emotions, baby! ]

Oh, you would let me meet all your new friends? I wonder how that would go, hm? What an introduction you could provide, too!

Don't bother.

I won't with you. I've made promises to others that I intend to keep. This place may have other ideas with the way the missions are set up, and if I fail, well at least you'll have good company, won't you?

[He allowed the distraction from the point. He had said what he wanted to say already, and he knew that Silco would think about it later. The man was a ponderer, always had been. And he had already convinced himself that Silco didn't care, so his efforts were wasted after a few olive branch attempts.]

Sure, why not. I assume not well given your acerbic and insulting mannerisms. You tend to be a hard rock to swallow on first meetings, and I can see that hasn't improved with age. Yeah, can't burn a bridge if you don't build on in the first place. Good plan.

Edited 2025-04-17 12:48 (UTC)

[ Yeah!! He doesn't care!! He doesn't care so much he keeps belaboring the point bc he doesn't care!! ]

I will, perhaps if enough people finally understand your failings, I'll have someone to finally understand that you were always the type to promise more than you're willing to follow through with. At least if I promise something, I will not give up on it.

[ He's Never Ever Ever Ever giving up on this shit!! Ever!! ]

Oh, didn't you know? It's so much easier to never have had the bridge at all. Why would I bother?

[ He'd always been a loner, after all, except for the few people he kept close. At least when they were young. Now... Well. Can't get hurt by having friends if you don't make them to begin with /taps forehead ]

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