(it's very hard to talk to her when she's like this, as vander will find eventually. she spent her life with that moment whispering in her ear, their voices taunting, putting ideas in her head, but while it is much quieter now, they still sneak their way back in on occasion.
(she does pick up, although there's no voice other than breathing on the other end. it'll pass soon, but right now, she's listening rather than speaking.)
You think they died, but they haven't. They're whispering in my ear all the time, bossing me around, telling me how to think, how to feel. I guess I deserve it, on the account of the murdering -- but you weren't there, Vander. You didn't get to see Vi squeeze my cheeks and yell at my face, loud and clear - 'I left you home because you're a jinx', and that's the last I heard of her until I was grown. It wasn't Silco, not really, who made Jinx, it was Vi -- and you think she's alive. Powder this, Powder that, everyone just wants damn Powder. For a while there, I thought maybe people from my past could love me like they used to - even if I'm so different. Then you showed up at home, and now things are... Different, again. Like a cycle, it just keeps getting different, everytime I blink - and you love us. Maybe you could-- maybe you would, because you're different there, too. But... You, you? You don't know Jinx. I just told you I caused the explosion, and you're-- you're fine? You don't hate me? You didn't scream at me?
How screwed up is that, Vander? The list to make you hate me is remarkably short? You never left, too. I heard you, all the time, too. You're thinking of Powder, but just like Vi, when you really realize she's gone, you'll leave me.
[He remained quiet on the other end of the earpiece, simply letting her talk and tell him about the voices, her changes. It was... rather a mess. He couldn't understand all of the nuance behind it, but he could understand her pain, her torment, her struggles. It made his heart ache for her, want to wrap her in a hug and hold on tight until she had a moment of peace.]
You know, I don't have to agree with the choices that you make, but I will always love you. You say that Powder fell down a well and died, but I think Powder evolved and you can be whoever you want to call yourself. You aren't one or the other or a mix. You're just you, and that's enough for me.
And I'll tell you one thing that I want you to remember: I will love you even when you won't or can't love yourself. I'm your dad, and my love isn't conditional.
Oh, threats now, hmm? You did that once when you were little and I thought your tongue was going to choke you right after.
[He said that to prove that she hadn't changed as much as she thought she had. He believed she was just like the rest of them: a person who had been molded by the terrible tragedies of her life.]
Sorry kid, the exhaustion only gets worse once you're forty.
Yeah. Well, let's see. Ah, since you're definitely gonna ask me - everyone else is alive, too. I mean, kinda. Probably. Everyone else you cared for, at least. Like Ekko.
(she held back because she didn't want vander to know what she had done. there's no reason not to, anymore. she's deeply saddened, afraid, but she's breathing.)
Jinx that's... that's an impossible list. I cared for everyone in the Lanes. I had work buddies from the mines. I could list their names, but I'm not certain you'd know them all.
[Vander was a social person, he liked having friends or at least acquaintances. The list would be long.]
(oh, yeah. vander was popular as hell. it's no wonder he has a statue and everything.)
Who do I know, from that time? Sevika, Silco, the stupid Chembarons, Ekko, that idiot, good for nothing Marcus, and... Vi, but I told you that last part, and the first two, you can ask yourself.
I expect the Chembarons have changed heads since I was around. [He did pause to think.] Babine, Jericho, Howard, Gert, Huck... [It should be obvious he's ticking people off on his fingers because the list goes on and on and on of business owners, regulars to the bar, street gang kids. If she doesn't interrupt him, he'll be at it for a few minutes straight.]
(she's just listening - does she even know these people? maybe she does, probably so, but not enough to make an impression on her. damn, he was popular. she can say she knows like, 5 people, tops, that she is around.)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-01-11 08:54 pm (UTC)she just has a little better handle on it.)
whatever i can.
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Date: 2025-01-11 09:23 pm (UTC)I'm going to call you, okay? It is up to you if you pick up.
[This is stretching his current knowledge of the earpieces, but he does manage to switch from text to making a call.]
Jinx?
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Date: 2025-01-11 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-11 11:40 pm (UTC)Hey, are you alright over there? I can come over if you would prefer company.
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Date: 2025-01-11 11:50 pm (UTC)(not fine, fine - but she doesn't want vander to see her, doesn't want to see disappointment.
rejection - even if it doesn't come, the fear in itself is petrifying.)
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Date: 2025-01-11 11:56 pm (UTC)No matter what any of us have done or not done, I'll always be your dad, Jinx.
[He didn't call himself dad a lot, usually going by name.]
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Date: 2025-01-11 11:59 pm (UTC)(he's not wrong - 'he's your dad, too', as vi put it. as jinx herself put it.)
You'll end up hating me, Vander.
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Date: 2025-01-12 05:21 am (UTC)[He expected he owed her that much, wanting to build trust between them. She'd already shared about Isha, which was knowledge he coveted.]
cw hallucinations & mental illness
Date: 2025-01-12 02:50 pm (UTC)How screwed up is that, Vander? The list to make you hate me is remarkably short? You never left, too. I heard you, all the time, too. You're thinking of Powder, but just like Vi, when you really realize she's gone, you'll leave me.
Don't. Don't leave me.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 04:12 pm (UTC)You know, I don't have to agree with the choices that you make, but I will always love you. You say that Powder fell down a well and died, but I think Powder evolved and you can be whoever you want to call yourself. You aren't one or the other or a mix. You're just you, and that's enough for me.
And I'll tell you one thing that I want you to remember: I will love you even when you won't or can't love yourself. I'm your dad, and my love isn't conditional.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 04:22 pm (UTC)(she doesn't mean to threaten, but she knows how she is, how she can be. it's a fact, rather than a knife pointed to his throat.)
I'm tired, Vander. Just so... Tired.
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Date: 2025-01-12 04:28 pm (UTC)[He said that to prove that she hadn't changed as much as she thought she had. He believed she was just like the rest of them: a person who had been molded by the terrible tragedies of her life.]
Sorry kid, the exhaustion only gets worse once you're forty.
cw .... i guess talking like dying like its nothing....
Date: 2025-01-12 04:31 pm (UTC)(confident, even!)
Hah! Like I'm gonna make it till I'm forty.
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Date: 2025-01-12 04:46 pm (UTC)[He sounded amused, playful even.]
I thought the same thing when I was... wait, how old are you now? Eighteen?
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Date: 2025-01-12 04:52 pm (UTC)Yeah. Well, let's see. Ah, since you're definitely gonna ask me - everyone else is alive, too. I mean, kinda. Probably. Everyone else you cared for, at least. Like Ekko.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 05:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 07:47 pm (UTC)... I'll just tell you everything, now.
(she held back because she didn't want vander to know what she had done. there's no reason not to, anymore. she's deeply saddened, afraid, but she's breathing.)
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Date: 2025-01-12 07:50 pm (UTC)[Vander was a social person, he liked having friends or at least acquaintances. The list would be long.]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 07:54 pm (UTC)Who do I know, from that time? Sevika, Silco, the stupid Chembarons, Ekko, that idiot, good for nothing Marcus, and... Vi, but I told you that last part, and the first two, you can ask yourself.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 08:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 08:07 pm (UTC)Nope, none of those.
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Date: 2025-01-12 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 08:24 pm (UTC)Also, get here. I'm tired at not looking at your face. This thing is annoying.
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