Aye, but I think I can imagine how you may have been without that suffering that you endured. [It was pointless though, wasn't it? They had all suffered. Sharon, Jinx, Vi, him, Silco... they had all become the monsters they had to be in order to survive for better or worse. It made them who they were, and the fallout remained a stain on them all.] Suffering builds character I was told. [The Doctor.]
With Silco here, Vander had not allowed himself to tether easily to others. It was to protect them from what might come to pass. If he failed those he wanted to be close to again, it would completely destroy him. They didn't deserve the baggage that he carried either, hidden under a logical and friendly exterior.]
Maybe. Or maybe it will swallow me again, and it won't matter who I was. [That was a possibility, though his impressions of the beast were hazy at best.]
[ That caught her off guard. ] Can you? Because I can't. [ She couldn't even begin to picture who she might've been without it all. She'd been nine, both times, just starting to figure herself out before everything got ripped away. What grew in its place hadn't felt like a choice, just what was left. ] Maybe it shapes you, but that doesn't make it better. Nothing can.
[ Suffering might build character, people loved to say that, but when it cut this deep, when it left wounds that never really closed, whatever it built felt small. Insignificant. Not a single piece of it made the pain worth it.
She sighed, worn. There was every chance the beast could swallow him whole, and she'd have to be stupid to assume that part of him mirrored anything Alessa had been to her. Still... ]
You're two sides of the same coin, Vander. [ Her voice steadied, even if the thought behind it didn't soften. ] It'll hurt, embracing that. But I think you'll come out better for it if you can. [ Whether he wanted it or not, it was already part of him. ]
That's because you're shaped and clouded by the terrible things that happened to you. I know you just well enough to see what could have been, I suppose. [Of course, he could be completely off base with that, but he liked to think that he was a good judge of character. He saw the way she teased and trolled, and while that was likely shaped by those same experiences, there was a joy to it that should have been cultivated and nurtured when she was young. Just like his girls.] Pain is the great memory maker; it's a deeply engrained survival mechanism. Shape is just another term on the same vein.
[Now that he was aware of the beast, what it looked like, even how it somewhat acted, Vander couldn't put that awareness out of his mind. It lurked at the edges of his consciousness as more than a dark shape or occasional presence. Now it was so real, so threatening, so tangible that it took on a whole new level within him.
Like discovering the proverbial monster under the bed was real, and it was just a matter of time before he'd be dragged under and consumed.]
Is that what you saw? Just me wrapped in more muscle and hair? [He rubbed his face with the heel of his hand, shaking his head. If he lost himself, would there be anything left? Could Viktor fish him out again?] It would reduce complications if I was absorbed back into it...
[ He could see what might have been. She wished she could, too. The only thing she felt certain of was that she'd have been much, much shyer. Beyond that, it was like staring into a fogged mirror, trying to make out the shape of her own face through the blur. ]
That is what I saw, but... [ She faltered. Then, a sharp, sudden alarm spiked through the connection. ] No—no, Vander, that isn't what I meant! I'm—I'm talking about... [ A small, frustrated sound slipped from her. ] When I merged with my darkness, I thought it was going to be one or the other. That maybe I'd stop existing as myself. But it wasn't. I'm still me, but I'm more.
It was like opening doors in my mind I didn't even know were there. I don't see why it couldn't be the same for you. The beast is just a part of you, split off by a wall and a door—a door you can open. You could still be yourself, but more.
[He had the benefit of having raised daughters, seeing them as they were and what the harshness of the world had changed them. Everyone grew up, filled the space that they were meant to, but they could and would be shaped by experience. Perhaps he was off-base. Who know.
Instinctively he drew back on the Murmur, once again existing on the edge of it yet still engaging from there. He was protecting her as much as himself.] The darkness inside of me is mine, and I own that. Losing control of it gained me plenty and lost me more. [That was purely him, the monster he had leashed for a long time.
The beast was and wasn't him. They merged along the fault lines of one another's lives, united in the agony of their creation. He didn't know how; he didn't know why; he didn't even know when. The information was there, but his brain froze out questing for it. Those memories were...]
And what if it isn't the same? I was never meant to live. There is something tragic about existing like that, though... aside from the obvious, I don't know what that is.
[ Vander was right—it had all been him. The darkness, the beast. Death had changed something in him, though, carved into him alongside the experimentation and the loss. And when the question slipped from his lips, Sharon recoiled just slightly, turning it over, worrying at it as she considered it. ]
I don't know, Vander, but... you're here right now, thinking and speaking to me. You were in the dream, too. I don't think it's an either-or situation—not here.
[His instinct, as always, was to comfort, to draw Sharon back in a protective gesture. He did reach along the Murmur between them for that purpose but withdrew again soon after. He didn't want to risk hurting her or causing pain.]
Who knows. I can't say I understand what's happening to me one way or another. [He was trapped between two modes of existence, yet he now knew the mercurial other.]
I suppose I should be satisfied with whatever time I have left.
You might not know what's happening to you, but you're not... [ This wasn't her place, but... ] You don't have to go through it alone. You don't have to figure it out alone.
[He did, in a sense. The problem was the building paranoia and the fear of losing control, of hurting anyone he cared about. He'd done it before, and he had spent years after grappling control, only to realize here it was for naught.
People were in danger because of this, the duality of who and what he was.]
Just keep your friends safe, yeah? That's what matters to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2026-04-20 02:31 am (UTC)With Silco here, Vander had not allowed himself to tether easily to others. It was to protect them from what might come to pass. If he failed those he wanted to be close to again, it would completely destroy him. They didn't deserve the baggage that he carried either, hidden under a logical and friendly exterior.]
Maybe. Or maybe it will swallow me again, and it won't matter who I was. [That was a possibility, though his impressions of the beast were hazy at best.]
no subject
Date: 2026-04-23 11:23 pm (UTC)[ Suffering might build character, people loved to say that, but when it cut this deep, when it left wounds that never really closed, whatever it built felt small. Insignificant. Not a single piece of it made the pain worth it.
She sighed, worn. There was every chance the beast could swallow him whole, and she'd have to be stupid to assume that part of him mirrored anything Alessa had been to her. Still... ]
You're two sides of the same coin, Vander. [ Her voice steadied, even if the thought behind it didn't soften. ] It'll hurt, embracing that. But I think you'll come out better for it if you can. [ Whether he wanted it or not, it was already part of him. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-04-25 06:23 pm (UTC)[Now that he was aware of the beast, what it looked like, even how it somewhat acted, Vander couldn't put that awareness out of his mind. It lurked at the edges of his consciousness as more than a dark shape or occasional presence. Now it was so real, so threatening, so tangible that it took on a whole new level within him.
Like discovering the proverbial monster under the bed was real, and it was just a matter of time before he'd be dragged under and consumed.]
Is that what you saw? Just me wrapped in more muscle and hair? [He rubbed his face with the heel of his hand, shaking his head. If he lost himself, would there be anything left? Could Viktor fish him out again?] It would reduce complications if I was absorbed back into it...
no subject
Date: 2026-04-28 02:48 am (UTC)That is what I saw, but... [ She faltered. Then, a sharp, sudden alarm spiked through the connection. ] No—no, Vander, that isn't what I meant! I'm—I'm talking about... [ A small, frustrated sound slipped from her. ] When I merged with my darkness, I thought it was going to be one or the other. That maybe I'd stop existing as myself. But it wasn't. I'm still me, but I'm more.
It was like opening doors in my mind I didn't even know were there. I don't see why it couldn't be the same for you. The beast is just a part of you, split off by a wall and a door—a door you can open. You could still be yourself, but more.
no subject
Date: 2026-04-28 05:24 pm (UTC)Instinctively he drew back on the Murmur, once again existing on the edge of it yet still engaging from there. He was protecting her as much as himself.] The darkness inside of me is mine, and I own that. Losing control of it gained me plenty and lost me more. [That was purely him, the monster he had leashed for a long time.
The beast was and wasn't him. They merged along the fault lines of one another's lives, united in the agony of their creation. He didn't know how; he didn't know why; he didn't even know when. The information was there, but his brain froze out questing for it. Those memories were...]
And what if it isn't the same? I was never meant to live. There is something tragic about existing like that, though... aside from the obvious, I don't know what that is.
no subject
Date: 2026-04-29 12:22 am (UTC)I don't know, Vander, but... you're here right now, thinking and speaking to me. You were in the dream, too. I don't think it's an either-or situation—not here.
no subject
Date: 2026-05-01 04:35 pm (UTC)Who knows. I can't say I understand what's happening to me one way or another. [He was trapped between two modes of existence, yet he now knew the mercurial other.]
I suppose I should be satisfied with whatever time I have left.
no subject
Date: 2026-05-01 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2026-05-02 05:11 pm (UTC)[He did, in a sense. The problem was the building paranoia and the fear of losing control, of hurting anyone he cared about. He'd done it before, and he had spent years after grappling control, only to realize here it was for naught.
People were in danger because of this, the duality of who and what he was.]
Just keep your friends safe, yeah? That's what matters to me.
no subject
Date: 2026-05-04 01:26 am (UTC)[ and that meant she'd try to keep him safe, too. ]
no subject
Date: 2026-05-04 05:54 pm (UTC)I appreciate the sediment, Sharon.
no subject
Date: 2026-05-05 05:40 pm (UTC)Yep. [ A beat, and then: ] Bye, Vander.