Inbox (Etraya)

[cantilevers]

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[cantilevers]

Fine, if not him or someone on his order, who murdered my kids? Tell me since you were there.

We aren't getting back together. Ever

[jinxs]

i dont wanna tell you vander
cant you just
believe me on this

please

(which in itself is an answer, isn't it?)

[cantilevers]

[There was several minutes of silence as he forced himself to calm down. He closed his eyes then punched the floor. Better. Clearer.

He thought back, knowing he never saw Powder there. But the explosion, the dust, two partially buried bodies, the monkey toy head, Vi laying looking dead. Then she was alive and crying, frightened.

The monkey toy head.

Monkey... oh Powder. It cooled what was remaining of his temper instantly.]

Fine. I believe you, Powder. I believe in you too.

[jinxs]

it's jinx, vander. remember? powder fell down a well.

(maybe now he can understand it. see that the nickname, although harmful, was not too far from the reality she lives in. everyone around her dies. everything she touches, ruin.

maybe now he gets why this is her new self. it's too hurtful not to embrace it.)

[cantilevers]

Right. Which well?

[jinxs]

the one she died in.

so. please don't be too mad at him. if you want to be mad at anyone, just be mad at me, because i couldn't stop it.

[cantilevers]

I don't believe she is dead. However, I respect what you wish to be called.

I can't do that. I'm sorry, but I will be angry with him as long as I need to after what he has done. I expect the reverse to be true as well. We've been shitty people to each other

[jinxs]

i said 'too'. 'too mad'

be mad just
just as much as he deserves
some of it should go to me

... i'm sorry, vander.

[cantilevers]

I will be as mad as I need to be. What he did to us is

[At the level of what Vander did to him. He needed time. He was still grieving.]

You tried to protect us. Sometimes our attempts don't end up the way we want. I know what that's like.

I don't blame you.

[It was just another aspect of that day he had to process.]

[jinxs]

im
im just going to go now

[cantilevers]

Did I upset you?

[jinxs]

i
did it vander.
i
did
it
it was ME
I
DID IT
i
did
it

be mad at ME
yell at ME

ill fix it
ill just
ill fix it.
im sorry vander

[cantilevers]

You did, yes. I am going to assume you didn't mean to kill anyone. If you did, this turns to a different conversation.

You can't bring them back, Jinx. But at some point, you either have to learn to put it to rest or you'll drive yourself mad trying to fix everything that comes after.

What is it that you will fix?

[jinxs]

(it's very hard to talk to her when she's like this, as vander will find eventually. she spent her life with that moment whispering in her ear, their voices taunting, putting ideas in her head, but while it is much quieter now, they still sneak their way back in on occasion.

she just has a little better handle on it.)

whatever i can.

[cantilevers]

[Text loses a lot of nuance, and he was perceptive enough to know this was not ideal for either of them.

I'm going to call you, okay? It is up to you if you pick up.

[This is stretching his current knowledge of the earpieces, but he does manage to switch from text to making a call.]

Jinx?

[jinxs]

(she does pick up, although there's no voice other than breathing on the other end. it'll pass soon, but right now, she's listening rather than speaking.)

[cantilevers]

[He listened to her breath for a few seconds and issued a low rumbling sound he used when they were very little.]

Hey, are you alright over there? I can come over if you would prefer company.

[jinxs]

... No, I-- I'm fine.

(not fine, fine - but she doesn't want vander to see her, doesn't want to see disappointment.

rejection - even if it doesn't come, the fear in itself is petrifying.)

[cantilevers]

You don't sound fine. You sure you don't want company? We don't have to say anything.

No matter what any of us have done or not done, I'll always be your dad, Jinx.

[He didn't call himself dad a lot, usually going by name.]

[jinxs]

...

(he's not wrong - 'he's your dad, too', as vi put it. as jinx herself put it.)

You'll end up hating me, Vander.

[cantilevers]

This list for me to hate you is remarkably short, I assure you. You can tell me anything you want, and I'll listen.

[He expected he owed her that much, wanting to build trust between them. She'd already shared about Isha, which was knowledge he coveted.]

cw hallucinations & mental illness

[jinxs]

You think they died, but they haven't. They're whispering in my ear all the time, bossing me around, telling me how to think, how to feel. I guess I deserve it, on the account of the murdering -- but you weren't there, Vander. You didn't get to see Vi squeeze my cheeks and yell at my face, loud and clear - 'I left you home because you're a jinx', and that's the last I heard of her until I was grown. It wasn't Silco, not really, who made Jinx, it was Vi -- and you think she's alive. Powder this, Powder that, everyone just wants damn Powder. For a while there, I thought maybe people from my past could love me like they used to - even if I'm so different. Then you showed up at home, and now things are... Different, again. Like a cycle, it just keeps getting different, everytime I blink - and you love us. Maybe you could-- maybe you would, because you're different there, too. But... You, you? You don't know Jinx. I just told you I caused the explosion, and you're-- you're fine? You don't hate me? You didn't scream at me?

How screwed up is that, Vander? The list to make you hate me is remarkably short? You never left, too. I heard you, all the time, too. You're thinking of Powder, but just like Vi, when you really realize she's gone, you'll leave me.

Don't. Don't leave me.

[cantilevers]

[He remained quiet on the other end of the earpiece, simply letting her talk and tell him about the voices, her changes. It was... rather a mess. He couldn't understand all of the nuance behind it, but he could understand her pain, her torment, her struggles. It made his heart ache for her, want to wrap her in a hug and hold on tight until she had a moment of peace.]

You know, I don't have to agree with the choices that you make, but I will always love you. You say that Powder fell down a well and died, but I think Powder evolved and you can be whoever you want to call yourself. You aren't one or the other or a mix. You're just you, and that's enough for me.

And I'll tell you one thing that I want you to remember: I will love you even when you won't or can't love yourself. I'm your dad, and my love isn't conditional.

[jinxs]

... Yeah. You better make sure it stays that way.

(she doesn't mean to threaten, but she knows how she is, how she can be. it's a fact, rather than a knife pointed to his throat.)

I'm tired, Vander. Just so... Tired.

[cantilevers]

Oh, threats now, hmm? You did that once when you were little and I thought your tongue was going to choke you right after.

[He said that to prove that she hadn't changed as much as she thought she had. He believed she was just like the rest of them: a person who had been molded by the terrible tragedies of her life.]

Sorry kid, the exhaustion only gets worse once you're forty.