[Things between the slowed, became less emotional and frantic, and he fell into a softer rhythm as his breathing and emotional state eased out of volatility. It was a pleasant sizzle down his spine now, rolling her hips with his own while feeling the press of her inner thighs around his hips. They had always had a good sex life since this began two months back, yet this point in time was probably the most emotional they had been for it.
He tipped his chin so he could bury his nose into the hair at the crown of her head, breathing her scent in between him kissing her there. He leaned more heavily on her as an apology for being rough, his chest pressing against her breasts as he enjoyed the warmth of her embrace and seeming forgiveness. He didn't want to upset her while at the same time, he didn't want to risk her life as he had experienced with Benzo, Grayson and his kids. Maria was so special to him.
He hummed at her words, tucking his elbows closer to her arms.] I know you do. I feel it every day we're together. [He leaned into her tongue.] I cherish what we have together; I don't want you to be hurt because of me.
[His own pleasure was mounting, not longer requiring that strangle hold on it. He felt his climax rising, and he fully began to chase it, knowing she couldn't be too far behind him heading towards it.]
[he felt it, did he? how much more did he feel from her? could Vander even understand just how much he did mean to her? the first person she had talked to outside of James, the first person to see her and treat her like she was somebody, and the first time she'd been kissed and loved on like he wanted her. not a memory of a woman gone. just her. could Vander know that at all?
and Maria knew she was a comfort to him. with Vander, she played her role well. he allowed her to be what she was always meant to be. Vander needed more support than she thought even he understood. he was a caretaker, a guardian, and his defenses had been smashed to pieces. maybe they had been for a while. he was a broken man and Maria wanted to gather all the pieces, keep him safe.
he was close and so was she. her breaths were picking up in speed and she was panting. whispered pleas escaped her, telling him how good he was, how amazing he made her feel, and how much she needed them. these things were not even lies even if they sounded like something that came straight from pornography. they were all true and when her orgasm did rip through her, the loud whine that echoed throughout the bar was obscene. as was the satisfied groan when he did finally let go himself.
and when they both came down, she only pet his back and there was a satisfied smile on her lips.]
Hey. I found something earlier. Thought about saving them to barter with but we can share one. Consider it a peace treaty or something.
[He had some idea that he had become an important figure in Maria's life, that her previous life had not been a joyous one with few people. It had been a living hell for her, and he was so happy that she was in his life and vice versa. He knew that she was protective of him, and he appreciated that he had someone looking out for his back. At one time and for many years, that had been Benzo, but he was dead... killed in the streets to Silco's monster.
He didn't want to think about those losses right now, wanted to press himself against Maria and have a breather from the fright that he might lose her just by their association. He leaned into her body, focused on their sex and hummed as she pleaded with him, directing him to her pleasure as his fingers tangled in her blonde hair as he kissed her as she came with him following suit two thrusts later as she clamped on him. He growled out a groan of pleasure and panted against her lips.
He relaxed but didn't hasten to remove himself from being over top of her. No, he shifted so he could lay his cheek on the bartop and just rested there in the cradle of her thighs.]
Hmm, what would that be? I'm still working on that distiller. I think I can get it working.
[sometimes these were her favorite moments. where they simply just existed, sometimes basking in the pleasure they had brought each other or they were only relaxing. trying to enjoy the close proximity. there was no way Maria could give this up and her hand went to his temple, stroking along his hairline.]
Nothing so important as what you got going, handsome.
[she turns a bit to reach under the bar and pulls out an almost empty cigarette pack. only five cigarettes are in there but she shakes them in front of him.]
We can share one and see what we can trade for the rest, if you want? It's my peace offering to you.
[His hard breathing began to slow as he relaxed against her, keeping her trapped - and safe - under his body as they lay on the bar top. Even as he softened and slipped free of her, he remained exactly where she was and hummed softly as he felt her fingers against his temple. He turned his face so he could kiss her neck and then the corner of her jaw.]
It is simply something we can leverage and bring people together. We'll need that.
[They would need it now more than ever to strengthen their position. That seemed paramount now than he knew that Silco was on the move.
Yet, he lifted his head as she produced a cigarette pack, and a shiver ran down him. He missed smoking so much, and yet he didn't have the same craving as when he had 'quit' before.]
I didn't think you smoked. Keeping secrets from me, beautiful?
[now that they are here together, coming down from their highs, it seems so far away that she had truly been so angry at him. and with the way he holds her, it feels just as unlikely that he had wanted to leave. not with how he kisses her skin and his touch makes her feel so important.
and when he says 'we' then Maria knows for certain they will be okay. they are okay.]
Before I'd go out, I'd smoke a cigarette when I drank to calm down. And then you know, those ran out where I came from. Not exactly a big habit of mine but there's old stories of people smoking shit as they talked things over. Doubt I can find anything better to smoke than this. [Maria was sure any weed was long gone by now. she hadn't found any.]
[Even in his blissed out state, he knew that there were questions that would require answers. That had been a public dust up after all, and she deserved to know so that she could better protect herself just in case. That moment seemed far away right now, cuddled as he was against her, the feel of her body under his own with its familiarity.
He nodded his head at her explanation, and it fit so many similar life stories. He smoked the vulgar crass herbs that managed to survive in the undercity, the kind of mixture that stirred up the lungs and yet he was intimately familiar with. He missed it, the soothing motions that also provided him a level of confidence that had been stripped from him in the aftermath of his fall.
He took the cigarette from the pack and brought it under his nose to breathe in the scent. It was good, much milder than he was used to. He offered it back to her to take first.] Maybe a little habit we can share now and again? Feels like it's been awhile, but I can honestly say that I miss it.
[He should stay quit, but in some ways, why bother?]
[there's a quirk of her lips that becomes a smile when he tells her that and she can't help but kiss him. Maria loved him terribly and in her fear of losing him, anger had overcome her. but now together again, everything calmed, Maria couldn't imagine anything ever coming between them. and she knew Vander must feel the same.]
Sharing a smoke with you sounds good sometimes. But I'd share just about anything with you. [there was an undercurrent of many emotions coming through with that and she really did think she would share anything with him. cigarettes, her time, her life...anything he wanted.
Maria had wanted to offer him first drag but this was just as well. there were plenty of lighters in this strip club and Maria got one of the many under the bar to light it up. she took a long drag of it, letting the smoke run through her. it had been a while and she had thought she might cough but she didn't. honestly, she felt amazing right now. post orgasm, Vander close, and their emotions at an all time high. there was the slight buzz from the cigarette when she passed it to Vander, her eyes on him.]
[The tether was wide open between them, so he was able to feel the warm protective care and emotion that she had for him. If he took the time to parse through what was washing over him and surrounding him in comfort, he would determine what it was that she felt for him. As it was, he was in quiet bliss, his lips taken by hers and he was perfectly content with that. His fingers stroked through the hair at the crown of her head.]
Oh yeah? That's pretty heavy stuff, don't you think? [After the weight of her frustration and concern over him potentially distancing himself rom her, he knew she was vulnerable in this moment. He leaned his forehead against her temple as she lit the cigarette up.] I'm sorry I worried you. I just... want to keep you safe. I can't articulate how important you've become to me.
[He tipped his head and took the cigarette from her and took a drag himself, letting the smoke fill his lungs and creep out of his nostrils. The first nibbles of nicotine along his nerves felt great, and he sighed for a moment as he closed his eyes and then shifted so he could partially roll off of her in order to prop himself up on an elbow. He took a smaller drag before leaning down to kiss her, blowing smoke into her mouth to show upfront how he was happy to share with her.]
[Vander had a certain effect on her. he had this tendency to say something that gave away just how much he cared about her and Maria sometimes couldn't quite tell if he was teasing or how serious he was. through the tether, Maria knew he cared. there was no doubt that Vander cared about her a great deal, and Maria believed him when he said he wanted to keep her safe.
Maria doesn't speak right away, watching him smoke and liking the sight of it. he was at peace like this and it was a pleasure he was indulging in. she loved that for him. and when he kissed her and she tasted the smoke, there was a moan of satisfaction as her tongue found his. it was a lazy, slow kiss as Maria enjoyed him until she pulled away. taking the cigarette as she licked her lips and took another drag.]
It is heavy stuff. I'm sorry I got so angry but I can't lose you either. We've both had to suffer and why should we have to anymore? You make me happy and I'd fight for you. So fight for me. Don't let anything get in the way of us. I'll protect you, too. [she pressed a kiss to his lips and then another and another.] I have my ways. [the last thing she was was physically strong but she knew how to survive, had found ways of fighting to hold on as long as she could in a situation she could never win. this place was the first time victory felt possible and she wasn't going to lose.
she took another drag before offering it back to Vander and leaning in to kiss him where she'd marked him with her teeth.] I'll tear through whoever I have to.
[The tether made it easy to feel rather than talk, though he reasonably knew that discussion was a necessary balance for any relationship. It just so happened to be easy with Maria through the tether, their emotions washing back and forth like waves on the sea. It was a shared experience, a closeness he never thought that he would have in his life again. Preserving this was important to him, even if his messenging was confusing.
He had always enjoyed smoking. He had taken up the habit watching older tougher men, imitating them as boys often did. They'd offered him one, and he'd taken it, choked, coughed and sputtered and they had laughed. Then he had settled into the habit and considered himself closer to a man at that point. It was a habit that he and Silco had shared readily, believing the undercity could kill them faster than pox lung ever could. He savoured a return of a habit he had done over half of his life.
And he also enjoyed sharing it with Maria like this, a settling of all the rocky emotions that lead to this point. He hummed as she pulled away, blowing out the rest of the smoke upon further exhale. He inclined his head slightly, accepting her apology nonverbally.]
Suffering builds character I was told. [He didn't believe it. Culture, failing but rising again, education, experience, mentors: those built character.] Yeah, I will fight for you, for us. I just... if you're hurt and taken from me, I don't want to become the person that would react to that. [He knew what that person was, that darkness rising and spreading throughout him, that fury that was so hot and burned so deep that he lost his head. He couldn't let that part of him hurt her either.] I know you do. You have plenty of skills to navigate this place.
[He took the cigarette back, reaching above them to tap some ash off to reveal the cherry head of it. He closed his eyes again as she kissed him, shivering at the small flare of pain of the reminder of her biting him.] No. Let me be the physical one; you use those skills of yours to pull people in, get them to trust you and work with you. Our strengths will be alliances. I've been here before.
[He took a drag. He'd played this game before.] I'll bring those that hurt you to their knees, okay? [He'd done it before in a bygone time. He could be part of that man again.]
People say a lot of shit just to excuse the horrible things that happen and distance themselves from it. [and Maria didn't believe it. her existence didn't improve her character nor did the things that she had gone through. and all the suffering had done to James was make him worse, until he had seen killing Maria was a real option. no, there was nothing to be gained from suffering.
and it was why this place meant a good deal to her. there was suffering, certainly, and Maria couldn't agree to everything that happened. but she didn't suffer here. Maria had found joy, peace, and friendship here. things not possible back in Silent Hill. Vander certainly wouldn't be somebody she could have ever known outside of here.
a shiver runs through her at his promise and now Maria knows well that Vander isn't about to leave her.] How romantic. [said softly, not like it's much of a joke but she doesn't expand upon that. only leans in and kisses the bite again. for right now, she doesn't take back the cigarette and lets him keep it. he's going to need it when she finally asks:] What scared you so badly? Please tell me. I want to help you.
Ah well, some people aren't able to take responsibility of how their actions contributed, or they belabor the point so much that they lose the original lesson. [There were all manner of reasons that people did the things that they did, and many of those were fear based. It didn't excuse their actions and it detracted from who they could have been, he supposed. That's why he felt community was the way to go; it took a village to lift everyone up while also managing agendas.
He preferred to look at the benefits where he could. This place for example? He had come in contact with good people and people just trying to survive. This was his second chance at building a life, but it was up to him to make something of it. He doubted he would be provided a third opportunity. That meant he had to actually shed the reservations that had ended with his demise and re-learn to fight for a better life. No one held his leash any longer.
He rumbled softly as she kissed the bite that she had left on him, a reminder of their tiff.] Yeah, that's me: peak romantic. [He was holding the cigarette, but with her head so close, he wouldn't risk taking a drag right now. He savoured her closeness instead before stiffening at her question.
She deserved an explanation of course. He knew it was coming on some intrinsic level, but he was still mentally formulating a reply which had partially been lost upon his arrival. Now that moment was here.]
I just... understand what Silco is capable of. He is dangerous, and he has the skills and no-how to thrive in a place like this. It could be very uncomfortable for me and by extension you if he gains power. [He was skirting the underlying issue, and he knew it.] He and I are from the same place, and we were close. We had a bad falling out.
[a lot could be inferred from that statement. it was true, Maria agreed, but Vander clearly felt some kind of way. after all, from how he had talked to Silco and how he had acted with Maria just now; it was obvious this was something he felt a lot of strong feelings about.] It's hard to admit you were wrong. People will go to a lot of lengths to avoid that. [and she knew that truth very well. James had searched for Mary but really he had been trying to search for some possibility that he hadn't been wrong. that Mary wasn't gone and he hadn't done a horrible thing. Maria had been dragged into that mess.
but she was free from that here.
after he started talking, Maria moved from his neck to look at him. but he was avoiding the meat of it. it was a painful subject, she knew, but they couldn't accomplish much if Vander couldn't talk to her.] You don't fight like that with someone if they weren't someone you didn't care a lot about at one time. So what changed? You had a falling out but what was it about? What happened?
[but Maria couldn't let him avoid this. not if it meant he could leave her due to his fear of whatever this Silco could do. yeah, he was dangerous. obviously. nothing about his offer felt very pure and innocent. the way he had Vander reacting only implied that all the more. if Maria wanted to keep her relationship with Vander going, he had to talk to her. he had to tell her the full story.]
[Vander was very well of what he had failed at over the years. He had had plenty of time to consider that before he had died, but by that point, he had been bound by the new measure to keep his people as safe as he could. The loss of Felicia and then by extension Silco had been the worst days full of so much regret and suffering that he had even apologized to the man. He doubted Silco would take it as anything other than mockery or disingenuous, yet he had meant it.] Yeah, sometimes pride, sometimes the inability to see one's own contributions to a situation.
[He stared at the ceiling of the bar with its mostly empty wracks where glasses would have been held. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a long drag as she moved to peer at him. He was slow to allow the smoke to leave through partially parted lips, and he quick glanced at Maria. His Adam's Apple bobbed as he formulated his reply and took another drag from the cigarette.]
He was... like a brother to me. We were thick as thieves most of our lives; we planned an uprising for revolution to make a case to for the sovereignty of our city. We'd been... in disagreement on some things as all people and our goals had differed on means, but then the day came and it went bad. [He breathed smoke from his nostrils.] We lost a lot of people that day, good people, people who believed and were put down like dogs. We buried some of them per tradition...
[He offered her the cigarette, feeling the familiar churning in his stomach.] He wanted to go back, make them pay, force them to suffer as we did, to acknowledge us. I just wanted to breathe and grieve; I had little ones now that lost their parents that day. I don't know... I lost my head and I attacked him to shut him up. Once I started, I just... couldn't stop and I tried to drown him in the river. We struggled a bit, he stabbed me and ran off.
[He finally looked at Maria.] I tried to search for him to apologize, but he'd always been good at hiding. For a time I thought he had died from his injuries, but then I became aware of him. He waited, biding his time and came for me when a battle was brewing between my people and Piltover again. He killed my friends, my allies, my sons and then... me. I deserved it; they did not.
[He was back to staring at the ceiling.] He'd older here than he was when I last remember him, apparently raised Powder to be Jinx, took over the undercity and tried to force revolution; as far as I can tell, he failed and died at the very end. He's never forgiven me, though he's keen to tout he won over me. [He shook his head slightly.] I stole his happiness; he'll continue to steal mine. If he comes to power and I know he can, he'll move against me and anyone close to me.
[Maria had never thought Vander was a blameless man with no faults. she had known that he had them, he'd warned her as well that there was something dark in him. it comes as no surprise to her when he reaffirms this very fact.
and it's a sad story. grieving people did many things, acted out in a lot of ways, and anger was one of those emotions. James had been one of those people to act out in grief. violently actually. yet it had been part of him she accepted and so it is not hard for her to accept this about Vander. he clearly regretted his choices, his actions, and Maria thought it said a lot. even now as she looked back on the conversation (more like an argument), Vander had spoken up. had owned his regrets and said he'd been wrong. even now he was still saying the same thing. in Maria's mind, for a man that only kept pointing fingers at Vander, Silco was stuck in the past.
and that he had hurt others. what did children have to do with this fight between two men? that wasn't right. hadn't Silco's anger been placed in the injustice done to them? why hurt more innocents?
Maria's brow furrows and the more she thinks about it, the more she decides she doesn't like him. for a man that had said some people were too stuck in the past to her, he sure didn't understand hypocrisy. this was her first time not liking someone and it was new to her. though she'd already had a sour taste in her mouth for him when Vander had wanted to leave her because of him.
the cigarette is still in her fingers, untouched since handed to her, by the time Vander finishes his story and Maria has to tap it to get rid of the long ash. she takes a small drag and swallow, trying to find her words.] It isn't happening. He isn't taking anything else from you, got it? I won't let him.
[her tone is cold and she's surprised by it herself before she leans in to kiss him softly on his cheeks. afraid that he'll think her coldness is towards him, that she holds no warmth for him at all when that is furthest from the truth.] He's a monster to have hurt so many people just because he was hurt. A goddamn child who won't be getting his way. You hear me, Vander? You're not losing anybody else to this guy.
[He had no issue taking what responsibility that he could for the actions that he had done unto others; he was not manipulated or forced but made decisions or lost his temper. He knew back then that he and Silco were so tangled in each other and their planning and even interactions that it was hard to parse out who instigated who the most; they both had filth on their hands. They both used tactics on others and each other to push for the direction that they needed things to go.
Silco claimed to be the monster these days, but it was clear that the other man only saw him that way. He would be nothing more, nothing less. If Jinx wasn't so involved, he might have let that point stand, but the problem was that he did want a relationship with her even if she might hold Silco in higher esteem than him. He accepted it.
The first of his 'deaths' may have been some time ago, but the ache of a parent losing their children remained a sharp blade in his ribs. Even now, if he closed his eyes, he could see their broken bodies. Jinx blamed herself; Silco covered for her but wouldn't take the blame. They wouldn't have been there if Silco hadn't waited to stamp out his legacy that night.
He let his head fall back hard as a 'thump' against the bartop. Once then again as he watched emotion flit across Maria's face. He hummed non-committal to her claim; she didn't know Silco like he did.] Maria, I need you to stay safe around him. If he knows we are associated, he won't trust you and he will be snarky. He may even act against you.
[A hit wasn't something that was above the other man. Janna knew Vander had put a few people in the ground because "it was necessary".
He blinked as she kissed his cheeks, his gaze and expression softening. He reached up to stroke her cheek with the back of a finger before tucking some of her blond hair behind her ear.] We're all monsters, Maria. I tried to kill him, and he will never, ever forgive that. Gloat about winning, but the pain of that night is something he uses to fortify himself. It's his weapon now. He admitted as much to me.
We all do things we have to that some might look down on us for, yeah. But some are worse than others and I don't know, from this end Silco seems a whole lot worse to me. [Vander wasn't wrong that they were all monsters but she was not going to put Vander and Silco in the same box. it wasn't that black and white.]
You tried to kill him and if he wanted to kill you in return then yeah, I get it. Why should he forgive you? [Maria didn't think Silco should have to forgive Vander for that. he could hate him all he wanted and Maria would think that was justified. but she was drawing a line at everything else.]
But I'll stay safe. I talked to him and I don't think he had any idea who I was. Not sure anybody knows we know each other. I never mentioned it. [Maria had been protective of her life here. very private, mostly because she was afraid of losing it. the best way to lose something was to treat it as something that couldn't be lost. take it for granted.]
I'm not strong at all, Vander. We both know that. But I'm not totally helpless here. If I play useless, pointless, then nobody's ever going to consider me as anything more than that. [she smiles at him and finally takes a drag from the cigarette, letting the smoke out slowly.] I meant what I said. I can take care of you and I will, Vander. I'm not letting you go without a fight.
And I think you've needed to hear that. Needed to hear someone tell you that.
[Maria couldn't fix his pain, couldn't even take it away. but she could acknowledge it, could see his flaws, and want him despite all of that.]
That's undercity politics. [He didn't hold that against Silco. Change was coming for the Lanes one way or another because he was either in Stillwater or dead; apparently he couldn't even do either of those.] My kids didn't deserve what they suffered. They were never part of the feud, and he waited for them...
[He shook his head, trailing off as he gathered himself and began to neatly pick and fold those raw emotions back up to stuff them in the box that he kept them in. He was still raw, felt the chafe of lacking any control whatsoever in this place and even his own life if what Powder told him was even remotely true.]
Good, tell him nothing about us. [Vander was also an insanely private person and not just because of Silco. He had failed in his relationship before, and he was scared shitless he would do it again if it was out in the open. He preferred what they had quiet and simply theirs.] I've never mentioned it either. I like that this is just ours and ours alone.
[He shot Maria a skeptical look about her lack of strength. He didn't believe that for a second; he had seen her strength and resilience and marveled at it.] You are strong; you have skills that others underappreciate that's all. You could twist people up with words and make them walk away thinking they earned a great deal. [He watched her, reaching up to stroke his fingers through her hair.]
The last people who wouldn't let me go without a fight are dead... or injured. [There was this fleeting impression of sorrow and pain and Jinx screaming. He blinked it away and focused on Maria.] So... you're going to be my partner in crime then, are you?
Sorry, I don't think I'm going to accept killing children as just part of politics. Call me crazy. [while her words had a teasing quality to them, she wasn't trying to turn the mood around on them. Vander was hurting and he never let himself show that hurt. he buried it deep down and sometimes Maria could catch glimpses of it. but if she forced him to do anything, or tried to anyway, it wouldn't work. Vander would retreat. it was important he'd talked to her about this much and Maria cherished that honesty. it might not be good for him to go much farther into it anyway. she hugged him, her cheek against his and murmured close to his ear:] I'm sorry, Vander. Your children deserved a chance. They'll have a place in my heart, too. [Maria had been using a lot of tactics to sway Vander to her but for once, this was not one. she loved children and wanted to protect them. it pained her to know these children could not have been protected and that even Jinx had to suffer as well. Maria would be keeping a closer eye on her as well.
there are many things she could say about keeping quiet about their relationship. when is it ever a good sign a man doesn't want people to know about you? but not the time or place. certainly not the right place. it's better if they don't broadcast their partnership. not if Vander has a mark on him and Maria can't physically do much for the man. she leans into his fingers in her hair, her eyes searching his face before they lower, heavily lidded as she hums.]
I am your partner in crime. [she pulls him closer to her, so his head can rest against her chest.] And if you really believe in my strength that much, you're going to have to believe in me keeping us going. I won't die so easily, Vander. Kind of hard to keep me down. Literally.
I know. In any power movement or violence, children are always somehow harmed the worst. Snuffing out the future is the worst thing any of us could ever do. [He was wholly serious; he had lived a lifetime of this. He had felt the sting of the boot or strap upon his back, lived under the fear that an Enforcer having a 'bad day' could mean being beaten or shot to death. He had seen Chem-Baron gangs sweep through and grab those they considered strays, stealing them away to join or die. He had watched gang wars snuff out innocent people just scraping by. Yet, all he could do was nod his head at her hugging and remaining close; even now, this remained a painful subject despite time apparently going by.] They took their chance, and it crushed them. They deserved so much more... and I couldn't give it to them.
[He could tell that Maria was being authentic with her words, and he looked at the side of her head.] Do you... have children? By blood or adoption? [It wasn't something anyone readily asked in this place, and yet it seemed important somehow at this very moment.]
We're going to make this work, make this place better. For us. For them. [He rolled with her pull, easing off of her so they were precariously balanced on the bartop. He nestled his cheek against her breast.] This relationship isn't all on you, Maria. It takes fifty-fifty effort. We give as much as we take; that's how this is going to work. You fight for me; I fight for you. [He huffed a sound of amusement.] Apparently death is an inconvenience here, but I don't think either of us die easily...
Children are easy targets. [it's a painful and harsh fact of the world.] It happens in my world, too. It's disgusting. [and anybody who would hurt a child to get to the person? they were disgusting. Maria couldn't look past this with Silco. no matter what Vander had done to the man, it didn't excuse hurting a child.] This isn't a matter of what you couldn't give, it's a matter of what someone else took away. Focus on that. Don't beat yourself up when you're not the villain here.
[his question makes her pause but she does answer. there's a sense of sadness and longing, a hint of love there that isn't hers but she feels nonetheless.] No. But there was a little girl I wanted to know better. She really needed someone. [her heart still aches when she thinks of Laura. of how alone she must have been after losing Mary. but no matter what, Maria would never get to know her. all she would have were Mary's love and memories for the girl.]
You do realize if you're going to fight for me then that means no running. Not trying to rub salt in the wound but I need to remind you. You mean a lot to me, baby girl. I'll fight for you, I'll take on your struggles as you take on mine. We're in this together and I'm not the type to back down without a fight. [at the topic of death, she sighs.] I've had a good run on not dying. We'll see if I can keep it up.
Yeah... [He nodded his head, expecting that it was a fact that spanned worlds, timelines and even universes. He stroked his fingers over her cheek and through her hair, moving to comfort her through physical contact. He hummed, but he also had difficulty seeing it that way. Over and over he was blamed, told he couldn't or wouldn't take responsibility for his actions or lack of.] I'll always be the villain of his story. I'll always be the failure, the monster, the murderer....
[He nodded his head, the tether providing him extra information of sadness and longing. He felt for her that there was a child she wanted to know and wasn't able to garner opportunity for that.] Do you... have someone like that here? [Perhaps not a little girl but someone who Maria wanted to know and care for.
He winced at her reminder, pulling away so that he could sit up on the edge of the bar. He rubbed his fingers through his hair, musing it as he glanced back at her.] Yeah, we're in this together then, and if he or anyone hurts you... I can't guarantee that I'll bother to stop myself. It could cause... issues, but I figure if anyone hurt you first, all's fair in love and war. [He rubbed the back of his neck.] I think I died... no, I know I died but didn't. I think I became something else... something horrible.
Of his story. A big difference there, handsome. [she says softly, complimenting him while trying to comfort him. and maybe he was. Vander had hurt Silco, perhaps broke apart his world. if Silco had hurt Vander in isolation then it would be different. he had brought his children in and Maria couldn't accept that. her eyes are soft as she meets his gaze.] You hurt him but he hurt many others. More like a child throwing a fit than a man getting vengeance if you ask me. [Maria wasn't about to downplay that Vander did wrong and she didn't think that's what Vander wanted. but Maria couldn't say the two things were the same. that what he had done meant that innocents deserved to simply be victims as well. no, she couldn't agree to that.
his question hits her and she decides to joke.] Do I have a child here? Is that what you're asking? [she knows what he is and for once, she avoids that particular line of questioning. that subject, well, it's a bit delicate isn't it?
and especially when he calls it love and war. there are many types of love, aren't there? and it doesn't have to mean anything. but god does it mean everything to her. she only kisses his cheek in reply to that particular sentiment. if she opens her mouth then she is afraid of what will be said. what she might do. and right now, her feelings for this man aren't what should be the focus. his pain and his fear, that's what she wants to help with. she wants to be able to comfort him. it was what she had promised him. Maria swings her legs to sit next to him, her legs hanging over the bar.] You don't think you really died then, do you? Not for good.
Yeah well... he has his own life now and I suppose I have mine. It's hard to steer clear of him entirely. [They both wanted to have opportunities to spend time with Jinx and clearly opposed the other doing so on some level. He was not interested in putting her in the middle, and yet, he also felt he had to stake his claim to some of her time if she was willing to provide it.] I'm concerned about how vengeful he is or can be. There's never a slight he won't repay someday even if it is weeks, months or years down the line.
[He looked at Maria from where he was sitting, noting how dodged around actually answering him. He supposed if she recalled the girl she wanted to be close to and could not, it was unfair of him to ask her about things in Somnia. It just seemed like this was a different opportunity.] I know you don't have one of your own unless you're not telling me something. No, I meant... do you have a youngster that you're attached to here?
[He turned his head as she sat up and slipped to sit on the edge of the bar with him. He made a point of curling an arm around the small of her back, holding her close for the time being. This day had been tremendously exhausting on an emotional level. He hung his head on his neck, shaking it a little.] I don't know... Shimmer saved Jinx from the brink of death. There's this thing that I can't effectively describe, but it casts this shadow over who and what I feel like I am.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2026-03-20 08:11 pm (UTC)He tipped his chin so he could bury his nose into the hair at the crown of her head, breathing her scent in between him kissing her there. He leaned more heavily on her as an apology for being rough, his chest pressing against her breasts as he enjoyed the warmth of her embrace and seeming forgiveness. He didn't want to upset her while at the same time, he didn't want to risk her life as he had experienced with Benzo, Grayson and his kids. Maria was so special to him.
He hummed at her words, tucking his elbows closer to her arms.] I know you do. I feel it every day we're together. [He leaned into her tongue.] I cherish what we have together; I don't want you to be hurt because of me.
[His own pleasure was mounting, not longer requiring that strangle hold on it. He felt his climax rising, and he fully began to chase it, knowing she couldn't be too far behind him heading towards it.]
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Date: 2026-03-23 04:48 pm (UTC)and Maria knew she was a comfort to him. with Vander, she played her role well. he allowed her to be what she was always meant to be. Vander needed more support than she thought even he understood. he was a caretaker, a guardian, and his defenses had been smashed to pieces. maybe they had been for a while. he was a broken man and Maria wanted to gather all the pieces, keep him safe.
he was close and so was she. her breaths were picking up in speed and she was panting. whispered pleas escaped her, telling him how good he was, how amazing he made her feel, and how much she needed them. these things were not even lies even if they sounded like something that came straight from pornography. they were all true and when her orgasm did rip through her, the loud whine that echoed throughout the bar was obscene. as was the satisfied groan when he did finally let go himself.
and when they both came down, she only pet his back and there was a satisfied smile on her lips.]
Hey. I found something earlier. Thought about saving them to barter with but we can share one. Consider it a peace treaty or something.
[and they were going to have to talk.]
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Date: 2026-03-23 09:13 pm (UTC)He didn't want to think about those losses right now, wanted to press himself against Maria and have a breather from the fright that he might lose her just by their association. He leaned into her body, focused on their sex and hummed as she pleaded with him, directing him to her pleasure as his fingers tangled in her blonde hair as he kissed her as she came with him following suit two thrusts later as she clamped on him. He growled out a groan of pleasure and panted against her lips.
He relaxed but didn't hasten to remove himself from being over top of her. No, he shifted so he could lay his cheek on the bartop and just rested there in the cradle of her thighs.]
Hmm, what would that be? I'm still working on that distiller. I think I can get it working.
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Date: 2026-03-24 01:27 am (UTC)Nothing so important as what you got going, handsome.
[she turns a bit to reach under the bar and pulls out an almost empty cigarette pack. only five cigarettes are in there but she shakes them in front of him.]
We can share one and see what we can trade for the rest, if you want? It's my peace offering to you.
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Date: 2026-03-24 02:02 am (UTC)It is simply something we can leverage and bring people together. We'll need that.
[They would need it now more than ever to strengthen their position. That seemed paramount now than he knew that Silco was on the move.
Yet, he lifted his head as she produced a cigarette pack, and a shiver ran down him. He missed smoking so much, and yet he didn't have the same craving as when he had 'quit' before.]
I didn't think you smoked. Keeping secrets from me, beautiful?
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Date: 2026-03-24 02:30 am (UTC)and when he says 'we' then Maria knows for certain they will be okay. they are okay.]
Before I'd go out, I'd smoke a cigarette when I drank to calm down. And then you know, those ran out where I came from. Not exactly a big habit of mine but there's old stories of people smoking shit as they talked things over. Doubt I can find anything better to smoke than this. [Maria was sure any weed was long gone by now. she hadn't found any.]
Want it?
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Date: 2026-03-24 05:31 am (UTC)He nodded his head at her explanation, and it fit so many similar life stories. He smoked the vulgar crass herbs that managed to survive in the undercity, the kind of mixture that stirred up the lungs and yet he was intimately familiar with. He missed it, the soothing motions that also provided him a level of confidence that had been stripped from him in the aftermath of his fall.
He took the cigarette from the pack and brought it under his nose to breathe in the scent. It was good, much milder than he was used to. He offered it back to her to take first.] Maybe a little habit we can share now and again? Feels like it's been awhile, but I can honestly say that I miss it.
[He should stay quit, but in some ways, why bother?]
I'll take it if it means sharing it with you.
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Date: 2026-03-24 08:41 pm (UTC)Sharing a smoke with you sounds good sometimes. But I'd share just about anything with you. [there was an undercurrent of many emotions coming through with that and she really did think she would share anything with him. cigarettes, her time, her life...anything he wanted.
Maria had wanted to offer him first drag but this was just as well. there were plenty of lighters in this strip club and Maria got one of the many under the bar to light it up. she took a long drag of it, letting the smoke run through her. it had been a while and she had thought she might cough but she didn't. honestly, she felt amazing right now. post orgasm, Vander close, and their emotions at an all time high. there was the slight buzz from the cigarette when she passed it to Vander, her eyes on him.]
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Date: 2026-03-24 09:12 pm (UTC)Oh yeah? That's pretty heavy stuff, don't you think? [After the weight of her frustration and concern over him potentially distancing himself rom her, he knew she was vulnerable in this moment. He leaned his forehead against her temple as she lit the cigarette up.] I'm sorry I worried you. I just... want to keep you safe. I can't articulate how important you've become to me.
[He tipped his head and took the cigarette from her and took a drag himself, letting the smoke fill his lungs and creep out of his nostrils. The first nibbles of nicotine along his nerves felt great, and he sighed for a moment as he closed his eyes and then shifted so he could partially roll off of her in order to prop himself up on an elbow. He took a smaller drag before leaning down to kiss her, blowing smoke into her mouth to show upfront how he was happy to share with her.]
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Date: 2026-03-24 09:39 pm (UTC)Maria doesn't speak right away, watching him smoke and liking the sight of it. he was at peace like this and it was a pleasure he was indulging in. she loved that for him. and when he kissed her and she tasted the smoke, there was a moan of satisfaction as her tongue found his. it was a lazy, slow kiss as Maria enjoyed him until she pulled away. taking the cigarette as she licked her lips and took another drag.]
It is heavy stuff. I'm sorry I got so angry but I can't lose you either. We've both had to suffer and why should we have to anymore? You make me happy and I'd fight for you. So fight for me. Don't let anything get in the way of us. I'll protect you, too. [she pressed a kiss to his lips and then another and another.] I have my ways. [the last thing she was was physically strong but she knew how to survive, had found ways of fighting to hold on as long as she could in a situation she could never win. this place was the first time victory felt possible and she wasn't going to lose.
she took another drag before offering it back to Vander and leaning in to kiss him where she'd marked him with her teeth.] I'll tear through whoever I have to.
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Date: 2026-03-24 10:12 pm (UTC)He had always enjoyed smoking. He had taken up the habit watching older tougher men, imitating them as boys often did. They'd offered him one, and he'd taken it, choked, coughed and sputtered and they had laughed. Then he had settled into the habit and considered himself closer to a man at that point. It was a habit that he and Silco had shared readily, believing the undercity could kill them faster than pox lung ever could. He savoured a return of a habit he had done over half of his life.
And he also enjoyed sharing it with Maria like this, a settling of all the rocky emotions that lead to this point. He hummed as she pulled away, blowing out the rest of the smoke upon further exhale. He inclined his head slightly, accepting her apology nonverbally.]
Suffering builds character I was told. [He didn't believe it. Culture, failing but rising again, education, experience, mentors: those built character.] Yeah, I will fight for you, for us. I just... if you're hurt and taken from me, I don't want to become the person that would react to that. [He knew what that person was, that darkness rising and spreading throughout him, that fury that was so hot and burned so deep that he lost his head. He couldn't let that part of him hurt her either.] I know you do. You have plenty of skills to navigate this place.
[He took the cigarette back, reaching above them to tap some ash off to reveal the cherry head of it. He closed his eyes again as she kissed him, shivering at the small flare of pain of the reminder of her biting him.] No. Let me be the physical one; you use those skills of yours to pull people in, get them to trust you and work with you. Our strengths will be alliances. I've been here before.
[He took a drag. He'd played this game before.] I'll bring those that hurt you to their knees, okay? [He'd done it before in a bygone time. He could be part of that man again.]
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Date: 2026-03-26 04:27 pm (UTC)and it was why this place meant a good deal to her. there was suffering, certainly, and Maria couldn't agree to everything that happened. but she didn't suffer here. Maria had found joy, peace, and friendship here. things not possible back in Silent Hill. Vander certainly wouldn't be somebody she could have ever known outside of here.
a shiver runs through her at his promise and now Maria knows well that Vander isn't about to leave her.] How romantic. [said softly, not like it's much of a joke but she doesn't expand upon that. only leans in and kisses the bite again. for right now, she doesn't take back the cigarette and lets him keep it. he's going to need it when she finally asks:] What scared you so badly? Please tell me. I want to help you.
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Date: 2026-03-26 07:13 pm (UTC)He preferred to look at the benefits where he could. This place for example? He had come in contact with good people and people just trying to survive. This was his second chance at building a life, but it was up to him to make something of it. He doubted he would be provided a third opportunity. That meant he had to actually shed the reservations that had ended with his demise and re-learn to fight for a better life. No one held his leash any longer.
He rumbled softly as she kissed the bite that she had left on him, a reminder of their tiff.] Yeah, that's me: peak romantic. [He was holding the cigarette, but with her head so close, he wouldn't risk taking a drag right now. He savoured her closeness instead before stiffening at her question.
She deserved an explanation of course. He knew it was coming on some intrinsic level, but he was still mentally formulating a reply which had partially been lost upon his arrival. Now that moment was here.]
I just... understand what Silco is capable of. He is dangerous, and he has the skills and no-how to thrive in a place like this. It could be very uncomfortable for me and by extension you if he gains power. [He was skirting the underlying issue, and he knew it.] He and I are from the same place, and we were close. We had a bad falling out.
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Date: 2026-03-26 10:18 pm (UTC)but she was free from that here.
after he started talking, Maria moved from his neck to look at him. but he was avoiding the meat of it. it was a painful subject, she knew, but they couldn't accomplish much if Vander couldn't talk to her.] You don't fight like that with someone if they weren't someone you didn't care a lot about at one time. So what changed? You had a falling out but what was it about? What happened?
[but Maria couldn't let him avoid this. not if it meant he could leave her due to his fear of whatever this Silco could do. yeah, he was dangerous. obviously. nothing about his offer felt very pure and innocent. the way he had Vander reacting only implied that all the more. if Maria wanted to keep her relationship with Vander going, he had to talk to her. he had to tell her the full story.]
cw: mention of murder, insurrection, etc.
Date: 2026-03-26 11:48 pm (UTC)[He stared at the ceiling of the bar with its mostly empty wracks where glasses would have been held. He lifted the cigarette to his lips and took a long drag as she moved to peer at him. He was slow to allow the smoke to leave through partially parted lips, and he quick glanced at Maria. His Adam's Apple bobbed as he formulated his reply and took another drag from the cigarette.]
He was... like a brother to me. We were thick as thieves most of our lives; we planned an uprising for revolution to make a case to for the sovereignty of our city. We'd been... in disagreement on some things as all people and our goals had differed on means, but then the day came and it went bad. [He breathed smoke from his nostrils.] We lost a lot of people that day, good people, people who believed and were put down like dogs. We buried some of them per tradition...
[He offered her the cigarette, feeling the familiar churning in his stomach.] He wanted to go back, make them pay, force them to suffer as we did, to acknowledge us. I just wanted to breathe and grieve; I had little ones now that lost their parents that day. I don't know... I lost my head and I attacked him to shut him up. Once I started, I just... couldn't stop and I tried to drown him in the river. We struggled a bit, he stabbed me and ran off.
[He finally looked at Maria.] I tried to search for him to apologize, but he'd always been good at hiding. For a time I thought he had died from his injuries, but then I became aware of him. He waited, biding his time and came for me when a battle was brewing between my people and Piltover again. He killed my friends, my allies, my sons and then... me. I deserved it; they did not.
[He was back to staring at the ceiling.] He'd older here than he was when I last remember him, apparently raised Powder to be Jinx, took over the undercity and tried to force revolution; as far as I can tell, he failed and died at the very end. He's never forgiven me, though he's keen to tout he won over me. [He shook his head slightly.] I stole his happiness; he'll continue to steal mine. If he comes to power and I know he can, he'll move against me and anyone close to me.
[That was undercity politics.]
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Date: 2026-03-27 02:39 am (UTC)and it's a sad story. grieving people did many things, acted out in a lot of ways, and anger was one of those emotions. James had been one of those people to act out in grief. violently actually. yet it had been part of him she accepted and so it is not hard for her to accept this about Vander. he clearly regretted his choices, his actions, and Maria thought it said a lot. even now as she looked back on the conversation (more like an argument), Vander had spoken up. had owned his regrets and said he'd been wrong. even now he was still saying the same thing. in Maria's mind, for a man that only kept pointing fingers at Vander, Silco was stuck in the past.
and that he had hurt others. what did children have to do with this fight between two men? that wasn't right. hadn't Silco's anger been placed in the injustice done to them? why hurt more innocents?
Maria's brow furrows and the more she thinks about it, the more she decides she doesn't like him. for a man that had said some people were too stuck in the past to her, he sure didn't understand hypocrisy. this was her first time not liking someone and it was new to her. though she'd already had a sour taste in her mouth for him when Vander had wanted to leave her because of him.
the cigarette is still in her fingers, untouched since handed to her, by the time Vander finishes his story and Maria has to tap it to get rid of the long ash. she takes a small drag and swallow, trying to find her words.] It isn't happening. He isn't taking anything else from you, got it? I won't let him.
[her tone is cold and she's surprised by it herself before she leans in to kiss him softly on his cheeks. afraid that he'll think her coldness is towards him, that she holds no warmth for him at all when that is furthest from the truth.] He's a monster to have hurt so many people just because he was hurt. A goddamn child who won't be getting his way. You hear me, Vander? You're not losing anybody else to this guy.
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Date: 2026-03-30 02:07 am (UTC)Silco claimed to be the monster these days, but it was clear that the other man only saw him that way. He would be nothing more, nothing less. If Jinx wasn't so involved, he might have let that point stand, but the problem was that he did want a relationship with her even if she might hold Silco in higher esteem than him. He accepted it.
The first of his 'deaths' may have been some time ago, but the ache of a parent losing their children remained a sharp blade in his ribs. Even now, if he closed his eyes, he could see their broken bodies. Jinx blamed herself; Silco covered for her but wouldn't take the blame. They wouldn't have been there if Silco hadn't waited to stamp out his legacy that night.
He let his head fall back hard as a 'thump' against the bartop. Once then again as he watched emotion flit across Maria's face. He hummed non-committal to her claim; she didn't know Silco like he did.] Maria, I need you to stay safe around him. If he knows we are associated, he won't trust you and he will be snarky. He may even act against you.
[A hit wasn't something that was above the other man. Janna knew Vander had put a few people in the ground because "it was necessary".
He blinked as she kissed his cheeks, his gaze and expression softening. He reached up to stroke her cheek with the back of a finger before tucking some of her blond hair behind her ear.] We're all monsters, Maria. I tried to kill him, and he will never, ever forgive that. Gloat about winning, but the pain of that night is something he uses to fortify himself. It's his weapon now. He admitted as much to me.
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Date: 2026-03-30 05:11 pm (UTC)You tried to kill him and if he wanted to kill you in return then yeah, I get it. Why should he forgive you? [Maria didn't think Silco should have to forgive Vander for that. he could hate him all he wanted and Maria would think that was justified. but she was drawing a line at everything else.]
But I'll stay safe. I talked to him and I don't think he had any idea who I was. Not sure anybody knows we know each other. I never mentioned it. [Maria had been protective of her life here. very private, mostly because she was afraid of losing it. the best way to lose something was to treat it as something that couldn't be lost. take it for granted.]
I'm not strong at all, Vander. We both know that. But I'm not totally helpless here. If I play useless, pointless, then nobody's ever going to consider me as anything more than that. [she smiles at him and finally takes a drag from the cigarette, letting the smoke out slowly.] I meant what I said. I can take care of you and I will, Vander. I'm not letting you go without a fight.
And I think you've needed to hear that. Needed to hear someone tell you that.
[Maria couldn't fix his pain, couldn't even take it away. but she could acknowledge it, could see his flaws, and want him despite all of that.]
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Date: 2026-03-30 05:44 pm (UTC)[He shook his head, trailing off as he gathered himself and began to neatly pick and fold those raw emotions back up to stuff them in the box that he kept them in. He was still raw, felt the chafe of lacking any control whatsoever in this place and even his own life if what Powder told him was even remotely true.]
Good, tell him nothing about us. [Vander was also an insanely private person and not just because of Silco. He had failed in his relationship before, and he was scared shitless he would do it again if it was out in the open. He preferred what they had quiet and simply theirs.] I've never mentioned it either. I like that this is just ours and ours alone.
[He shot Maria a skeptical look about her lack of strength. He didn't believe that for a second; he had seen her strength and resilience and marveled at it.] You are strong; you have skills that others underappreciate that's all. You could twist people up with words and make them walk away thinking they earned a great deal. [He watched her, reaching up to stroke his fingers through her hair.]
The last people who wouldn't let me go without a fight are dead... or injured. [There was this fleeting impression of sorrow and pain and Jinx screaming. He blinked it away and focused on Maria.] So... you're going to be my partner in crime then, are you?
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Date: 2026-03-31 05:39 pm (UTC)there are many things she could say about keeping quiet about their relationship. when is it ever a good sign a man doesn't want people to know about you? but not the time or place. certainly not the right place. it's better if they don't broadcast their partnership. not if Vander has a mark on him and Maria can't physically do much for the man. she leans into his fingers in her hair, her eyes searching his face before they lower, heavily lidded as she hums.]
I am your partner in crime. [she pulls him closer to her, so his head can rest against her chest.] And if you really believe in my strength that much, you're going to have to believe in me keeping us going. I won't die so easily, Vander. Kind of hard to keep me down. Literally.
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Date: 2026-03-31 06:31 pm (UTC)[He could tell that Maria was being authentic with her words, and he looked at the side of her head.] Do you... have children? By blood or adoption? [It wasn't something anyone readily asked in this place, and yet it seemed important somehow at this very moment.]
We're going to make this work, make this place better. For us. For them. [He rolled with her pull, easing off of her so they were precariously balanced on the bartop. He nestled his cheek against her breast.] This relationship isn't all on you, Maria. It takes fifty-fifty effort. We give as much as we take; that's how this is going to work. You fight for me; I fight for you. [He huffed a sound of amusement.] Apparently death is an inconvenience here, but I don't think either of us die easily...
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Date: 2026-03-31 07:32 pm (UTC)[his question makes her pause but she does answer. there's a sense of sadness and longing, a hint of love there that isn't hers but she feels nonetheless.] No. But there was a little girl I wanted to know better. She really needed someone. [her heart still aches when she thinks of Laura. of how alone she must have been after losing Mary. but no matter what, Maria would never get to know her. all she would have were Mary's love and memories for the girl.]
You do realize if you're going to fight for me then that means no running. Not trying to rub salt in the wound but I need to remind you. You mean a lot to me, baby girl. I'll fight for you, I'll take on your struggles as you take on mine. We're in this together and I'm not the type to back down without a fight. [at the topic of death, she sighs.] I've had a good run on not dying. We'll see if I can keep it up.
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Date: 2026-04-01 01:02 am (UTC)[He nodded his head, the tether providing him extra information of sadness and longing. He felt for her that there was a child she wanted to know and wasn't able to garner opportunity for that.] Do you... have someone like that here? [Perhaps not a little girl but someone who Maria wanted to know and care for.
He winced at her reminder, pulling away so that he could sit up on the edge of the bar. He rubbed his fingers through his hair, musing it as he glanced back at her.] Yeah, we're in this together then, and if he or anyone hurts you... I can't guarantee that I'll bother to stop myself. It could cause... issues, but I figure if anyone hurt you first, all's fair in love and war. [He rubbed the back of his neck.] I think I died... no, I know I died but didn't. I think I became something else... something horrible.
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Date: 2026-04-02 06:29 pm (UTC)his question hits her and she decides to joke.] Do I have a child here? Is that what you're asking? [she knows what he is and for once, she avoids that particular line of questioning. that subject, well, it's a bit delicate isn't it?
and especially when he calls it love and war. there are many types of love, aren't there? and it doesn't have to mean anything. but god does it mean everything to her. she only kisses his cheek in reply to that particular sentiment. if she opens her mouth then she is afraid of what will be said. what she might do. and right now, her feelings for this man aren't what should be the focus. his pain and his fear, that's what she wants to help with. she wants to be able to comfort him. it was what she had promised him. Maria swings her legs to sit next to him, her legs hanging over the bar.] You don't think you really died then, do you? Not for good.
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Date: 2026-04-03 12:23 am (UTC)[He looked at Maria from where he was sitting, noting how dodged around actually answering him. He supposed if she recalled the girl she wanted to be close to and could not, it was unfair of him to ask her about things in Somnia. It just seemed like this was a different opportunity.] I know you don't have one of your own unless you're not telling me something. No, I meant... do you have a youngster that you're attached to here?
[He turned his head as she sat up and slipped to sit on the edge of the bar with him. He made a point of curling an arm around the small of her back, holding her close for the time being. This day had been tremendously exhausting on an emotional level. He hung his head on his neck, shaking it a little.] I don't know... Shimmer saved Jinx from the brink of death. There's this thing that I can't effectively describe, but it casts this shadow over who and what I feel like I am.
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